How To Make the Most Out of Your Community Pool
The dog days of summer are upon us and your parents have decided that dropping you off at the local community pool everyday is the best way for you to stay cool and out of their hair. Sounds great at first, but you’re only a week in and tired of swimming laps. Here are top eight ways to make the most of your community pool.
1. Pee in it. Just kidding! Please don’t do that. You could get the pee disease, and we'd feel really bad if you did.
2. Find a bush and hide behind it. After a sun bather has been peacefully nodding off for a while, start softly calling out her name, and in her half-asleep slumber, explain that you are Jasmine, Queen of the Pool, and you’ve been sent to instruct her to buy ice cream for everyone currently in the deep end. Go jump in the deep end. Eat ice cream. Repeat.
3. Meet a lifeguard. They’re not only attractive, they are trained life-savers! Talk to them, see what they’re all about. Are they happy with their working conditions? Have they joined a union? Start a Looking Out for the Lifeguard group where you make sure they are feeling well taken care of through out the summer. If this doesn't get you an SO, make 'em pay to be in your union.
4. Start a book club. Talk to the people around you and commit to reading one book a week. Then every Friday, pull all your lounge chairs together in a circle and go over the work. Feel free to get in a heated discussion concerning Faulknerian motifs in the particular edition of the Baby Sitters Club you all just read. Get angry and say “I need to cool off,” then jump in the pool, thus completing all necessary steps to becoming the most rad person in your book club.
5. Choreograph a one-woman show under water. Write out a story about a woman who is forced to live in the water. What are her troubles? What brings her joy? Stand in the shallow end and create a water-dance routine that tells the story of this new character. Perform for everyone.
6. Start a face painting booth. You know those horrible colored zinc sunscreens your parents slather on your nose? Now you can put them to good use! Take that thick, spackle-like sun protector and use it to paint smiley faces, fish, and flowers on the little kids who don’t know better than to run from being experimented on.
7. Build a giant raft out of pool noodles no one is using. Ride around on the raft shouting “All Hail Princess Pool Girl!” Start telling people that the direct orders from the queen is to CONTINUE HAVING FUN.
8. Start a towel-watching service. Oh you want to go swimming? Scared someone will snatch your towel? You’ll watch it for $1 an hour. Write a song about your towel watching business and sing it every time a new person shows up at the pool. Next stop: Success City. (Pro tip: Don't say it too fast or it'll sound like "Suck Ass City." D: )
Note: There is no such thing as "the pee disease," as far as we know.