Skip over navigation

`MURICA! The Future of Star-Spangled Awesomeness

`MURICA! The Future of Star-Spangled Awesomeness

By Dave Argentar

When T-Jeff wrote the Declaration of Independence, he likely didn't envision that Americans’ “pursuit of happiness” would include putting a burger in the middle of a donut, deep-frying anything that isn't nailed down, and painting presidents riding grizzly bears while brandishing automatic weapons. But this is `MURICA, darn it, and we the people think this stuff is wicked cool. Because freedom. We look ahead to see the next great innovations that scream `MURICA!

Museum of Reality Television: For too long the regular folks who work day in and day out to make us feel better about ourselves have gone without proper recognition. With exhibits dedicated to history’s great Bridezillas, Bachelors, and Boo-Boos, this museum built in a former pawn shop that was owned by a hoarder also includes interactive exhibits like “Start a War” where visitors can create a hit show about any occupation or activity simply by adding the word “wars” at the end. (“Regional Vice President in Charge of Manufacturing Wars!”). `MURICA!

Mountain Dew I.V.: With your active lifestyle and constant multitasking, how do you stay sharp while keeping your hands free for action? Grab yourself a drip bag of this new drink, strap it into the handy backpack and send some powerful refreshment through the tube straight into your veins. Perfect for washing down that Whopper you’re holding in this. Drip the Dew! `MURICA!

S.U.M.’s: Riding lawn mowers have been around for a long time, but what do you do when you want to bring the family along for a nice weekend mow? Those kids will need ample space and things to keep them entertained, and you’ll want to ensure that you can handle anything that comes your way with 4-wheel drive, G.P.S., and Big Gulp holders. With seating for eight and an MPG of four gallons per mile, a good Sport Utility Mower is just the ticket for the American lawn care enthusiast who wants it all. `MURICA!

Buffeyor Belts: Everybody loves a buffet, but all that work! Getting out of your seat, walking across the restaurant, standing and waiting in line, and then doing it 3 or 4 more times. Whew! We’re winded just thinking about it. Restaurateurs eliminated this inconvenience by installing non-stop “Buffeyor Belts” throughout their dining rooms, bringing the buffet straight to their guests’ tables, allowing diners to repeatedly shovel mass quantities of food with a side of freedom directly on to their plates and into their mouths uninterrupted by all that huffing and puffing. All You Can Eat Without Leaving Your Seat! `MURICA!

Liberty-Smoked Bacon: As we all know, we are only a few short years away from the U.S.A.’s Bicenquinquagenary celebration (your welcome, spelling bee contestants). In honor of 250 years of awesomeness, our American scientists, instead of working on petty things like disease cures and renewable energy, will finally create genetically modified pigs from which we can all enjoy red white and blue bacon. Why wrap that deep-fried Snickers in regular bacon when you can show the world your love of the ol’ U.S. of A. by munching on the tastiest bit of liberty to come along since Ben Franklin invented the Bomb Pop. `MURICA!

A happy and safe 4th to all our fellow `MURICANS!

Topics: Life
Tags: holidays, summer, pop culture, america, fourth of july, 4th of july

Write your own comment!

OR