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What Your Beach Towel Says About You

What Your Beach Towel Says About You

By Ashley Brooke Roberts

Beach towels are to the water world what lunch boxes are to the cafeteria: a personality definer. So we created a list of some of our favorite beach towels and what they say about you:

1. The Animal Print Towel: You’re secretly learning a new language to prepare for your fabulous future life somewhere abroad. Every week you save your allowance to buy your international wardrobe and as soon as you graduate, you’re out of this town! Err, I mean, country! Your new international self awaits with a baguette in one hand and an espresso in the other. Now if you could only decide on where, exactly, you’re moving.

2. The Celebrity Crush Towel: Your parents first kiss was on a mountain top. When you were born they thought of naming you “Mountain,” but decided against it and named you after the doctor who brought you into this world. You have a penchant for thunderstorms and sometimes burst into tears at high altitudes for no reason.

3. The Old Towel: Your neither a cat or dog person. If forced, you’d say you are a plant person. You’ve read War and Peace five times and you think Thomas Pynchon is too new to be taken seriously. Sure, you’d like to have a conversation with someone sometime, but what are you going to talk about??? THE WEATHER?? THE MALL??? YOUR FEELINGS????

4. The Forgot-to-bring-a-towel Towel: Why would anyone not like running? You ask as you alienate half your friends and family by jogging around them in circles. You joined track in middle school and so far it has comprised your social, intellectual, and spiritual world. RUN FOR LIFE! You scream as you loop your neighborhood cul-de-sac for the eighth time this evening.

5. The Famous Painting Towel: There is deli meat in your bag right now. You bought it for your mom after school and then forgot about its existence. Your friend just asked what that smell was and you remembered the cold cuts. You’re now considering giving them to your crush as a sign of your allegiance. Don’t do this.

6. The Disney Character Towel: You’re in the witness protection program. You’re not exactly sure what your dad did, but you know you’re no longer allowed to visit the North East or eat ham sandwiches. You wanted your name changed to Tina Tina but the FBI had the final say and picked something boring. Besides living in fear most of the time, you like cooking, night walks, and bird-watching.

7. The College Emblem Towel: You’ve been using your sister’s deodorant for three years straight. She’s asked you about it and you acted shocked, hurt, betrayed. She pointed out that you’ve had the same stick of deodorant sitting on your dresser for all of high school. You defend yourself by saying you don’t need to wear deodorant, and naturally smell like “Lilac Morning Shower.” You’re currently wondering how much longer this facade can go on and if you should start using your brother’s “Cool Mountain Rush” deodorant in the meantime.

8. The American Flag Towel: You’ve meticulously collected every picture of Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift you’ve found in magazines over the past five years. At night you cut them out and glue them to backdrops of nature scenes you’ve illustrated with crayons. You have a whole book of these collages that you keep under your bed. It is your favorite possession.

Topics: Life
Tags: summer, personality types, the beach, what your ____ says about you

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About the Author
Ashley Brooke Roberts

Ashley Brooke Roberts is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor living in Brooklyn. She's a performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and can usually be found smiling at random dogs on the street. Follow her on twitter at @AshleyBRoberts.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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