The 10 Best Kinds of Imaginary Boyfriend
Sure, real-life boyfriends can be great. The good ones do stuff like call you on the phone and make you laugh, or even buy you a milkshake for no reason at all. But sometimes real boyfriends are the worst. They send monosyllabic text messages ("k") that you're forced to interpret for hours, or hold your hand in public for such an awkwardly long time that you end up screaming, "RELEASE ME! These nachos aren't gonna eat themselves!" Thus, the appeal of the Imaginary Boyfriend. All of the awesome, none of the awful, and nobody standing between you and a well-deserved nachos party. If you're ready to get an Imaginary Boyfriend of your very own, here are some of your best bets:
1. Poet: When people ask why he isn't cheering you on at the mathletes final, you can tell them he's too busy working on a sonnet proclaiming his love for you. Those things don't write themselves.
2. D.J.: When your friends get weirded out about never having seen him in real life, you can just point to any guy wearing headphones. "That's him, but I can't introduce you," you'll say cunningly. "I don't want to mess up his process."
3. Deep-Sea Fisherman: Other girls might complain that their dude blew them off on date night. You can sagely intone that at least they know he's still alive, while gazing forlornly in the general direction of the sea.
4. Archaeologist: If you're a dating an imaginary archaeologist, there's always an imaginary chance that he'll take you to an imaginary amusement park where there are imaginary cloned dinosaurs. #ImJustSaying.
5. Amateur Opera Singer: You might not always know what he's singing/saying, but dude's passionate, and he can work him some satin pantaloons like it's his job. (Because it is.)
6. Dude Who's Allergic To Everything: "Honey, do you want this giant piece of free birthday cake I got? I think there might be butter, milk, sugar, eggs, and chocolate in it. Oh, well, I guess I'll have to finish it myself."
7. A Ghost: If the movies have taught us anything, it's that if you date a ghost you'll either get to do racy things at a pottery wheel or slow dance with Whoopi Goldberg. Bonus points for the sigh-worthy tragic element, and the built-in excuse for his apparent invisibility.
8. A Celebrity: Remember that time Justin Bieber forgot his pet monkey in Germany? Remember how if you were dating him you'd totally have access to a pet monkey he's already bored with? Also, "my boyfriend's on tour" is a super-cool explanation for why you're kicking it solo this summer.
9. A Comedian: Because when you guys fight, you can yell "everything's always a joke with you!" And he will have zero room to argue.
10. A Spy: "See that guy?" you ask your friends discreetly, pointing at the Gosling lookalike checking out his reflection in the front window of Target. "That's my boyfriend, but he's totally undercover. Keep walking!"
What's your imaginary boyfriend's profession? It can't be unicorn doctor—because that one's ours.