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Friday Awards: Feminism, Sarcasm, and Epic Smackdowns

Friday Awards: Feminism, Sarcasm, and Epic Smackdowns

By Abbey Clarke

Hello, my dear Sparklers. It's that fantabulous day of the week again!

Now, next Friday is the day after the Fourth of July, which means that on that day the SparkLife headquarters will be SHUT DOWN, as is tradition. Don't fear! We'll be back the following Monday with tales of fireworks, pasta salad, and literal sparklers. All that to say, however, there won't be Friday Awards next week. We're sad.

However! In recompense, this week's Friday Awards will be SUPER LONG. This makes things easier for us, as most weeks it is SO HARD to pick just a few of all of your clever, clever comments, and it also works out nicely for all of you well-deserving Friampions! Win-win!

So without further gilding the lily, and with no more ado, here are this week's Friday Awards!

First up we have two awards for comments on this post about 5 Different Kinds of Substitute Teachers. The first, going to timey_wimey_stuff, is the Bestest, Most True-To-Life Transcript of Absolutely Real Activities That Definitely Actually Happened award for this comment:

The "Has No Idea What They're Doing, Possibly Because They're Just a Teacher Who Has Their Free at the Same Time as This Class"
Transcript:
Student: Mrs. Babypuncher, do you know how to do any of the calculus problems Mrs. Out-With-The-Flu assigned us?
Mrs. Babypuncher: Um... I'm your English teacher, remember?

And the Sneaky, Sneaky... award for a comment on that same post goes to Katniss-Everdeen for this comment:

The one who swallows this gem:
"Does your normal teacher let you do that?"
"Yes.."

This Über-long comment by The_Doctor's_Companion on the post about a girl not being allowed to play football wins the You Are Worth Many Goats award:

The principal is reported as having "prayed extensively" regarding this decision. He also decided that, despite the fact that this girl has always changed in a separate locker room, the guys will still have lustful thoughts. Something that will obviously be completely cancelled out if this girl is removed from the football team, as everyone knows males can only have lustful thoughts when there are girls(or guys) they find attractive in their immediate vicinity.
Most importantly, it is well known that these thoughts will corrode the purity of this girl, which is the worst thing that could possibly happen. It's bad enough she's associating with these boys, but if these guys have lustful thoughts about her, her father will be lucky to get a goat for her when he marries her off, as opposed to the three cows he could've gotten, had her worth as a person not been demolished by these thoughts.
Perhaps, this way, this girl will learn not to entice boys by playing sports with them, or wearing clothes that display ankle, or existing in a public space. She will learn that she is entirely responsible for how males react to her, and that to enjoy any attention, to be comfortable in her own skin, or to think she has any right to not be objectified or reduced to a piece of meat is simply silly and wrong.
As everyone knows, males are uncontrollable sex beasts, and it is the woman's responsibility to not entice them, so they do not give into their urges and do something regrettable that would scar the girl for life. It's better for her to learn this now, so she doesn't have unrealistic expectations as she gets older.
/end satire.

Continuing in the sarcasm-in-the-name-of-feminism vein, we have the aptly-named Best Sarcasm in the Name of Feminism award going to Nicole-Lyn for this comment on the post about the TSA officer shaming a girl for wearing leggings:

That whore! Doesn't she know that form-fitting leg coverings and flannel are for men! She must be the most vile of harlots to believe that she was justified in wearing such clothes. The nerve of her. Doesn't she know that women are supposed to wear ankle length skirts and turtle necks at all times to protect themselves for the lust of men?!

We might get whiplash from changing gears so fast, but next up the Most Heartwarming Thought award goes to coasterIB15 for this comment on the post about whether or not first love can be a bad thing:

I think I've heard a quote one time that said second loves should be praised more than first loves because it's your second that lets you know you are capable of loving again.

coasterIB15 is on a ROLL, because she also wins the Best Boyfriend's-Hair-Related Comeback award for this comment on how to convince your boyfriend to cut his hair:

I once had a conversation with my boyfriend about long hair. It went like so:

BF: Wouldn't it be fun if I had a ponytail?
Me: You know what else is fun?
BF: What?
Me: Having a girlfriend.
BF: Touche

I was mostly kidding. Mostly.

TheOister wins Most Epic Shakespeare-Worthy Smackdown OF ALL TIME in this comment on a post about a cheating friend:

This guy.....is awful. If he were a slinky, he'd be one of those slinkies that are hopelessly tangled up. If he were a superhero, he'd be Aquaman. If he were in a contest for honesty, he'd be a Nigerian Prince. If he were a cookie, he'd be a oatmeal and raisin one that deceives people into think it's chocolate chip. If he were a candy, he'd be the 25 year old toffee flavored cough syrups that your grandfather finds under his coach cushions and gives to you. If he were in a contest for being the healthiest meal, he would be fried butter. If he were a villain in the Powerpuff Girls, he would be the Amoeba Boys. If he were in the running for best song, he would be Friday by Rebecca Black. If he were.......yeah okay I think you get my point. He's bad news, stay away from him and don't let him get to you.

Seriously, Oister, remind me to never get on your bad side.

Now, last but not least, we pay some serious homage to clarinets-are-awesome. #27 on the list of ways to have the best summer ever is "27. Write your own novel. Here are a few key words and phrases to help inspire your creativity: dragons, walking the plank, bees, an awkward penguin named Samuel." This Sparkler did not back down from the challenge, and gave us this wallop of a comment:

#27: There once was an awkward penguin named Samuel. He was awkward because, while the other penguins were perfectly happy huddling all day on the cold Antarctic ice, Samuel longed for something more. He would spend hours daydreaming about knights and princesses and fearsome dragons. The other penguins ridiculed him, but Samuel continued to dream of a life of adventure.
One day, a nearby ice mountain began to melt. The penguins were frightened - what could be causing such a thing? Suddenly, fire erupted across the sky and an enormous dragon reared its head. The panicked penguins ran this way and that, but Samuel stood rooted to the spot. He was terrified as well, but knew that this could be his chance at the adventure he longed for. So he hurried up the melting mountain and awkwardly leaped onto the dragon's back.
Samuel held on tightly and watched in terror and wonder as the dragon flew away from Antarctica and over a wide ocean. As the hours passed, Samuel's grip began to weaken. With a cry, he slipped off the dragon's back and landed in the ocean with a splash.
Fortunately, a ship was sailing nearby. Samuel swam over to it and hauled himself onboard. He couldn't believe his eyes. Penguins with swords and eyepatches were running around, shouting orders, and drinking rum. Nervous, Samuel awkwardly hid in a storage room. Bees swarmed over some of the boxes. Bzzzz, they said. Samuel watched them. Bzzzz. They almost seemed to be speaking....
"Zzzzzamuel!" they buzzed. Samuel's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. "Zzzzamuel! There izzzz a princezzz trapped on board. You are zzzzze only one who can zzzzave her!"
Determined, Samuel left the storage room and searched for the princess, careful to avoid being seen by the other penguins. At last, he found her, tied to a mast of the ship. He hurried over and took off her blindfold. "I'm here to save you!" he said.
The princess gasped in delight, but as Samuel awkwardly untied her, she began to look fearful. "Look out!" she cried, but it was too late. Samuel felt the cold edge of a sword pressing into his back. A deep voice growled, "Walk the plank."
What will happen next? Will Samuel save the princess? Why can the bees talk? And have we seen the last of the dragon? Find out all this and more in "The Awkward Adventures of Samuel the Penguin," coming to a bookstore near you August 14th!

Color us impressed! And since not much can top that, this will be the last of the Friday Awards for this week. We'll see you in two weeks! BAIIIIIIIII!!!

Have a great Fourth of July, Sparklers! Eat a hot dog for us.

Topics: Life, The Internets
Tags: awards, sparklers, the friday awards, friday, friday awards

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About the Author
Abbey Clarke

Abbey Clarke is a writer and editorial assistant living in Jersey City. She's a player on a D&D podcast called Knife Errant, wrote her senior thesis on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and is working on a novel about a semi-reformed demon who runs a library. You can follow her on Twitter at @abbeybookaholic.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.