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50 Kinds of Exes

50 Kinds of Exes

By Bo Larkin

We would like to pay tribute to those special people in our lives...who were deemed (or who deemed us) not special enough. Or too special. Or who were just okay, but mediocrity is not befitting of our grand romantic futures. Whatever the case, we present to you the ghosts of exes past, revisiting fifty of our (not so) favorite former flings. See if you recognize any of the exes on this list:

1. Stalky. The ex-boyfriend who is currently hiding in the bushes.

2. Doesn’t Know She’s Your Soul Mate. The ex-girlfriend who hopefully can’t see you in the bushes.

3. Unforgettable. The ex-boyfriend whose foot odor still lingers.

4. Miss Perfect. The ex-girlfriend who will eventually learn that boys are, well, kinda smelly.

5. Father. The ex-boyfriend who, once dumped, said that he "allowed" you to move on and date someone else. He may occasionally drop in on your dates, unannounced, to check in on “you two crazy kids.”

6. UFC Bro. The ex-boyfriend who just needs your new boyfriend to know that he's a 7th-degree jujitsu master.

7. Just Get Back Together Already. “He’s about to call, any minute now. It’s totally over, for real this time—but why hasn’t he called?”

8. Seriously, GET BACK TOGETHER. “Must play it cool and not call her. It’s totally over, for real this time—but would it be impossible for her to pick up the phone and call?”

9. She’ll Be Back. The ex-girlfriend whose new boyfriend is way worse-looking than you. Total score! I mean, so maybe he’s a little taller, and maybe he works out more than you. But so what if he was called “the next big thing in teens” by the New York Times?

10. Mr. Beautiful. The ex-boyfriend who was walking arm-in-arm with Kate Upton, the sun glinting on his perfectly tousled hair, on the day you ran into him—also known as the day you looked insanely gross and were carrying 7 ferrets for no apparent reason.

11. The Axe Boyfriend. Your parents will not forgive you for dating him until you've paid them back for having the couch professionally rid of his Hot Fever body spray.

12. Perpetually Smelly Guy. The PSG somehow had putrid B.O. fresh out of the shower.

13. The White Diamond In The Rough. She wore too. Much. Perfume. It was rough.

14. Little League Is Over, bro. He might've been bald for all you know, cause he never once took off that smelly, ragged Tigers hat.

15. Barbie. The ex-girlfriend who was always surrounded by the entire lacrosse team, also known as her “really close guy friends!"

16. Not Ken. The ex-boyfriend who was jealous of all your closest guy friends.

17. Sneaky Barbie. The ex-girlfriend who never invited you when she hung out with her guy friends.

18. Not Even Close To Ken. The ex-boyfriend who you never let meet your guy friends...because of his pathological insistence on arm-wrestling every dude who ever spoke to you.

19. Oedipus. The boyfriend who said you reminded him of Mother.

20. Mr. Model Legs. The boyfriend who had better legs than you (and knew it).

21. Sheep In Wolf’s Clothing. The ex-boyfriend who once tried on your makeup. And looked prettier than you.

22. Ms. Jackson. Actually your ex's mother...who still calls with advice on how to fix the relationship.

23. Compulsive Liar. The ex-boyfriend who said he ate Burger King for lunch when he actually had McDonald's. Why?

24. Schedule Stalker. The ex-girlfriend who demanded to know where and when you ate lunch. Who can keep BK and Mickey D's straight?

25. Prince Valiant. The ex-boyfriend who worshipped the ground you walked on. (Until you realized how creepy that really is.)

26. The One You Can't Get Over. You can't actually prove there was a love spell, but there's got to be a reason she stole the hair from your brush.

27. You’re Mine Now. The one who insisted your profile picture, screensaver, and phone screen be pictures of him, and him alone.

28. Mirror Worshipper. The one whose profile picture, screensaver, and phone screen were pictures of her, and her alone.

29. Get Over It, Dude. He's demanding "closure." For the sixth time.

30. Game On. His idea of a romantic evening included Halo.

31. She Just Doesn’t Understand...how romantic Halo can be.

32. No Game. The ex-boyfriend who always talked about his “girlfriend”...but was referring to his Xbox.

33. Jealous. The ex-girlfriend who insulted your Xbox—right in front of her!

34. Entitled. The ex who got mad when you didn’t introduce him as your boyfriend.

35. Name Dropper. “This is my boyfriend, everyone. My boyfriend and I are so happy to be here! Did anyone see where my boyfriend went?”

36. That Was Fast. The ex who changed her relationship status exactly one minute after you started officially dating. That she was nowhere near an Internet source just made it more impressive.

37. Officially Over. She changed her relationship status to Single every time you had an argument.

38. Something’s Not Right. She had not one picture of you on her Facebook, but many of some other guy known only as "His name's Jeremy, but you've never met him."

39. Was Never Your Boyfriend. You once asked if you could borrow his pen. He immediately purchased the URL ilovepens.com and tracked you down every morning thereafter to present you with “a fresh pen for the day, m’lady!”

40. Brody Bro-ington. You know who we're talking about.

41. Trixy Flirterton. Brody’s ex-girlfriend, who you dated after him. Brody was “not cool with that, bro.”

42. The Existentialist. She spent abnormal amounts of time at the coffee shop giving unsolicited advice.

43. Ernest Hemingway Wannabe. The Existentialist’s other ex. He's known for announcing to the coffee shop that he's been struck with inspiration and must have silence. When he’s done writing, he picks a fight with the guy drinking the macchiato.

44. Robin. He was kinda cool. But his best friend, on the other hand…

45. Batman. The guy who taught you to never trust someone who will make a move on his best friend’s girlfriend. Even if he's mega-hot.

46. Too Many Feelings Guy. “And now an impromptu poetic celebration of our eternal bliss, inspired by your cascading locks scented of sweet lavender. No, I'm not crying, my eyes are just taking a shower!”

47. Mean Girl. She needed to lighten up. So what if your poetry was cheesy? At least you were capable of expressing your feelings!

48. Sporty Spice. She could dunk. Over you.

49. Miss Bright Side. The ex-girlfriend who put a silver lining on everything. You did not agree that spilling a jug of iced tea on your crotch in public was a character-building experience.

50. Sour Grapes. He spilled iced tea on his pants in public, then got mad at you for trying to make light of it.

Have you dated any of these? Which exes did we miss?

Topics: Life
Tags: dating, romance, funny things, exes, ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends

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About the Author
Bo Larkin

Based out of Chicago, Bo Larkin, aka Bryan Albert, makes a living as a writer and musician. Bryan comprises half of the cabaret/art song duo "Lovers' Quarrel" and is a guitar teacher and ensemble coach at Sherwood at Columbia College and Southport Performing Arts Conservatory. Check him out at Chicagoguitarist.com and @bogitano

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.