The 100 Kinds of Parents
Sure, parents are all special little unique snowflakes, but you have to admit, they have some stuff in common. They were all at the same meeting where someone said, "Make your kid clean his room before he goes on vacation even though that makes no sense," and, "Go ahead, get that butterfly tattoo on your lower back, and show it off to all your childs' friends!" Here are the 100 kinds of parents. Which ones are yours? (Because parents are complicated creatures, it is possible for all 100 to apply.)
1. Parents who buy you 100 versions of something if you say you like it once.
2. Parents who let you do whatever you want because they have insecurity issues from when they were unpopular teens.
3. Amy Poehler Mean Girls “cool mom.”
4. The parents who are actually cooler than you.
5. The parents who are so cute together it’s gross.
6. The parents whose parenting skills are in direct retaliation of the ones they were raised on.
7. The parents who don’t let you have any parties at your house, ever.
8. The parents who just don’t want to know about any parties you have at your house, but you can totally get away with them.
9. The parents who totally let you have parties at their house and they totally want to know because they totally want to be invited.
10. The parents who aren't together but best friends, and you’re like, “Have you guys ever considered dating?”
11. Parents who won't talk to each other and you want to sic Dr. Phil on them.
12. Parents who don't sleep in the same room because "dad is a snorer."
13. Parents who are going to be so screwed when you leave for college that they are probably going to start driving a school bus across the state or adopting kids just so they can fill the void in their hearts.
14. Parents who actually have good advice but you’re always suspicious to follow it because parents aren’t supposed to have good advice.
15. Parents who still ask you who you're going steady with.
16. Parents who always want to chaperone everything.
17. Parents who will kill anyone who hurts you.
18. Parents who threaten to “take you out of this world” because they put you in it.
19. Parents who will give you endless money for one thing they think you need (like underwear or books).
20. Parents who retell the same stories about you basically every day.
21. Parents who are on Facebook but you won’t accept their friendship. That’d be bad.
22. Parents who are on Facebook and it’s too late because you already accepted their Facebook friendship but man you wish you could go back in time because they keep tagging pictures of you in the bathtub, age 2.
23. Parents who are on Facebook but don’t really understand how to use it. (Phew.)
24. Parents who are always making sandwiches.
25. The parents who want to stitch your name into all of your clothes in case you lose them.
26. The Adams Family—so weird, but they don’t seem to get it.
27. The parents who literally have no idea where you are, ever.
28. Parents who should just stop buying you presents.
29. Parents who really want you to be... whatever is the opposite of what you want to be.
30. The parents who keep a running tab on how much you owe them.
31. The parents who get confused when you are not just like them.
32. The parents who try to get in on all your inside jokes.
33. The parents who laugh at your jokes even if there is no way they could possibly understand them.
34. The parents who are always on some weird diet so you're probably going through a Paleo phase against your will.
35. The parents who are more excited about going to Warped Tour than you ever were.
36. The parents who introduced you to Monty Python.
37. The parents who always try to serve you chicken even though you keep telling them you're a vegetarian.
38. Parents who worked harder than you and will never let you forget it.
39. The parents who don't do anything and are shining examples of who you don't want to be.
40. The parents who just realized they messed up royally in every way possible.
41. The parents who always think you're going to break something.
42. The parents who have way too much confidence in you, and are already telling you to run for President.
43. The parents who frustrate the heck out of you any time they need help with their computers because you only have to click once! Clicking thirty times does not make the computer go faster!
44. The parents who invite all your friends to everything your family does.
45. The parents who always go grocery shopping together.
46. The parents who always volunteer you to babysit people.
47. The parents who always volunteer you to be best friends with other people’s kids.
48. The parents who want to hold your hand in public.
49. The parents who always want to go to the mall with you.
50. The parents who have cool cars but nerd them up by listening to bad music, wearing corny sunglasses, and having a dumb vanity plate.
51. The parents who are already encouraging you to get married.
52. The parents who are already terrified of becoming grandparents.
53. The parents who watch Sponge Bob Square Pants while they drink martinis.
54. The parents who wear your clothes.
55. The parents who wear the same clothes.
56. The parents who have worn the same clothes since the ‘90s.
57. The parents who make you do stuff you don’t want to do because it “builds character.”
58. The parents who don’t know how to text.
59. The parents who text using “U,” “2,” and “4” for “words.”
60. The parents who still don’t want you to see rated PG-13 movies, but will let you watch The Simpsons or have similar illogical logic.
61. The parents who make you wear a bike helmet. (So you’ve quit riding a bike.)
62. The parents who never buy the cool fruit snacks, just the natural ones.
63. The parents who only ever let you have a goldfish.
64. The parents who want you to be friends with all the cheesy people at your school.
65. The parents who keep trying to bribe you with a car, but you know you’ll never get one.
66. The parents who think it’s in your best interest to go to college near home. (Read: their best interest.)
67. The parents who have their buttcheek marks permanently tattooed on the sofa.
68. The parents who eat everything with a knife and fork.
69. The parents who are always ahead of you when you try to trick them. (“Mom said I could…”)
70. The parents who every day ask you, “How was school?” And always get mad when you answer, “It was school.”
71. The parents who plan seriously cool vacations.
72. The parents who are afraid to take the family to Europe.
73. The parents who live their entire lives off what Oprah said.
74. The parents who you suspect liked you more when you were taking piano lessons.
75. The parents who think your friends are hoodlums.
76. The parents who find a lesson in everything.
77. The parents who are obsessed with "date night!"
78. The parents who won’t stop buying you their favorite book, The Razor’s Edge, because they keep forgetting that they gave it to you one hundred times and that you’ve already read it, all because you didn’t fawn all over it or experience a life renewal like they did.
79. The parents keep hoping you have kids that are just like you one day. (That can be either good or bad.)
80. The parents who need to stop adopting animals.
81. The parents who should just buy a freaking boat already.
82. The parents who never got to go on a Honeymoon and you think they really deserve it.
83. The parents who think they are the parents in The Incredibles.
84. The parents who remind you to make your bed, even though you do, every. Single. Day.
85. The parents who make you work in the garden on hot summer days because they are unaware it’s TORTUROUS SLAVE LABOR CHILD ENDANGERMENT.
86. The parents who looooOOooove Obama.
87. The parents who were cheerleaders and football captains, and you are like, not.
88. The parents who you like hanging out with more than hanging out with your friends.
89. The parents who you should not talk to before they’ve had their coffee.
90. The parents who let you have cold pizza for breakfast.
91. The parents who are always making sure you have your seatbelt on.
92. The parents who still tickle you.
93. The parents who let you eat popcorn and watch movies in their bed.
94. The parents who should have their own reality TV show.
95. The parents who still will peel your apple for you.
96. The parents who make you drink milk at dinner.
97. The parents who give you a fake curfew you don’t listen to, and neither do they.
98. The parents who wait up for you, no matter how old you are, no matter how late it is.
99. The parents who you’re still sorta afraid of.
100. The parents you know you can always call if you’re in a pickle.
What kind of parents are yours?!