So you’ve read How to Cope With an Unrequited Crush. You’ve barfed up loads of Hot Tamales, thrown yourself in front of traffic, and built a catapult out of spaghetti, but you STILL can’t stop thinking about the object of your affections. Plus, your Unrequited Love Syndrome symptoms have gotten substantially worse: you drool nonstop, your creepy secret closet altar is now taking up three-fourths of your room, and your Easy Mac is so full of tears that it’s practically inedible (but who are we kidding, we’d pretty much eat Easy Mac even if it was half full of dirt). You just can’t get your crush off your mind, which means it’s time for plan B: Initiating Contact.
Initiating contact (known in other, less awkward parts of the world as "talking") with your crush may seem terrifying. How can you, a mere mortal, talk to him/her, the epitome of all that is perfect and sparkly and glorious? IT'S EASIER THAN YOU THINK.
Step One: Send off sparks. This is the part where you get your crush to notice just how unbelievably spectacular you are. How? By using horcruxes and dark magic. Just kidding. You do it by lightin’ some figurative road flares and seeing if s/he is smart enough to follow the trail. Have a class with your crush? Smile at him/her when you sit down, and give an opinion when the teacher asks a question. See him/her in the hallway or by your locker? Flash that brilliant grin of yours and give a casual wave. Participate in the same sport? Show off those pearly whites while pole vaulting into the bleachers. Everyone is attracted to confidence, and nothing projects happiness and self-assuredness better than your gleaming teeth. So make eye contact with your crush and don’t cringe, glower, or spontaneously combust. SMILE. (And quit it with the horcruxes, yo. IT'S NOT WORTH IT.)
Step Two: Start a fire. Literally. Nobody can deny the irresistibility of a raging blaze of flames. If you want to be a weenie about it and avoid the trip to juvie, “start a fire” by starting a conversation. Now that your crush is aware of your existence, it’s time to introduce him/her to your sparkling personality. Saunter on over to your crush in the cafeteria or before the bell rings in Chemistry and casually mention that you really admire his/her courage for choosing the “Gravy Surprise,” or that you struggled a little on Question 7 on the homework. If your crush isn’t an absolute moron, s/he’ll be totally flattered by your attention and you’ll have a 5-star conversation going in the time it takes me to work up a sweat (which is NO TIME, because I'm already sweating). If your crush is an absolute moron, find a new crush. To further help you along in your pursuit of the perfect casual chat, here’s an example of what you shouldn’t do after approaching your crush:
You (drooling uncontrollably): Uh, hi, Benjamin? Benjamin Christopher Arlington? Of 9869 Peach Street? Bedroom on the second floor? You have those football posters? And that baseball cap collection? And your closet is color-coded, but only because your mom organized it? Oh god, do I ever adore your mom. What a lovely woman.
Crush (looking terrified): How do you know where I live?
You (covered in drool): Oh, I know everything about you.
Crush (frantically scanning for the nearest exit): Ummm…..
You (standing in a puddle of drool and creepiness): I have a gift for you, Benjamin. I photoshopped our faces together so you could see what our children would look like. Aren’t they adorable, Ben? Can I call you Ben? Look, this is a picture of all of us on a fly-fishing trip. I know how much you love to fly-fish, because I hid in your trunk that time your dad took you to Lake Michigan. It was like a dream, to be so close to you. Can I have a lock of your hair?
Crush (covertly dialing 911 on his cell phone): Uhhh….
You (the Michael Phelps of droolage): Don’t worry, I already took one without you noticing. You smell so good, Ben. Like baseball caps and fish. Will you go on a date with me? Don’t answer that. Don’t say anything. You’ll ruin the moment. Let’s just gaze at each other forever. I love loving you so much.
Crush (sprinting in the opposite direction, screaming for help): AHHHHHHHHHH
You (high-fiving yourself): Goodbye, darling dearest, sunshine of my life! I’ll call you later! And tell your mother not to lock the back door tonight, I’m bringing you a surprise! Here’s a hint: it’s 600 dead fish from Lake Michigan, each with their own miniature baseball cap! KISSES!!
Wow. That was hard to watch. Instead, try something like this:
You (only sweating a little bit): Hey, Ben, how’s it going? Nice choice with the meatloaf, there. I think it’s illegal in 48 states.
Crush (smiling): Yeah, I’m pretty sure you’re right. Thank god we live in Wisconsin, where it’s the only thing they’re allowed to serve.
You (laughing charmingly): We’re so lucky. So, what’d you think of that chemistry test? Question 7 killed me.
Crush (falling slowly in love with you): Me too! And Question 10. Man, Mr. Benson is impossible.
You (being insanely awesome): I know! Our first day in class, he made two kids cry. And that was just during roll call.
Crush (laughing hysterically while clutching his heart): Wow. Sounds like a rough day. Listen, you wanna sit together? I’ll give you half of this meatloaf.
You (high-fiving yourself in your head): Deal. But let’s sit by the door so we only have to crawl three feet to the nurse’s office when your meatloaf kills us both.
JACKPOT. See how easy that was? You’re practically married already. Now I gotta go get me some of that meatloaf and start working on 600 miniature fish-sized baseball caps.
Do you have any tips for talking to a crush?
This is a VINTAGE Dagger post; it was originally published in October of 2009!