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Who's Your Pick for World's Ugliest Dog?

Who's Your Pick for World's Ugliest Dog?

By Josh Sorokach

This Friday marks the 25th anniversary celebration of the "World's Ugliest Dog" contest sponsored in part by the word WHAT?

Kidding.

We here at SparkLife have an affinity for dogs. All dogs—especially the, well, interesting-looking ones. So this Friday when a new dog "bow wow wow yippie yo yippie yays" its way into the elusive pantheon of ugly dog champions, we won't judge this book (dog) by its cover (dog face).

All the nominees for "World's Ugliest Dog" can be found on the contest's website. You're allowed to cast your very own vote, but as the website clearly barks, err... I mean states, your online vote is just for fun and in no way helps to determine the winner of the contest. The real vote is determined by a panel of judges; people who are somehow deemed experts in the arcane field of ugly dog assessment. I'm not sure how I'd feel if someone felt I had the necessary "qualifications"  to judge an ugly contest. Can you imagine that phone call?

Contest Coordinator: We'd like to request your specific expertise to judge our contest.

Josh: Excellent! Like a beauty pageant?

Contest Coordinator: Kind of. Only the exact opposite. You'll be judging ugliness.

Josh: Why did you think of me?

Long silence.

Josh: Are you still there?

Contest Coordinator: So will you do it or not?

Even though there can only be one winner, I'm sure it was the opposite of an honor just to be nominated. Here are a few of our favorite dogs from this year's competition. We should inform you that we are NOT making up these dog bios. They come straight from the website.

1. Name: Ratdog

Bio: "Ratdog is a 14-year-old deaf rescue mutt who eats onions, garlic, and anchovies on his pizza."

Onions, garlic, and anchovies is a disgusting pizza topping combination for a human being, let alone a dog. Also, I'm not a certified dog scientist—I dabble, but I'm not officially certified—but should dogs be eating pizza?

2. Name: Kaiya

Bio: "She looks like a cross between a seal and Jabba the Hut, Her neck rolls aren’t indicative of her gut!"

I've never been so happy that dogs lack the ability to read.

3. Name: Monkey Man

Bio: "This is Monkey Man. She is three, and this will be her second time at the World's Ugliest Dog Contest. She's friendly and loves to spin in circles."

Don't we all?

4. Name: Spam-o-Rama

Bio: "Spam-o-Rama is a caricature of the school nerd with the confidence to ask out the head cheerleader. . . and get a date! He may be wearing a day-glo rain jacket and have ophthalmic ointment in both eyes, but he thinks he's a rock star."

Who will be named the 2013 "World's Ugliest Dog"? I don't know, but the event does have a "Beauty & The Beast Rescue Walk" which features "beauty pageant contestants walking adoptable dogs." Superb name, hilarious concept, great cause.

Also, in a bit of unintentional humor, the advertisement for the "World's Ugliest Dog" contest is placed right next to a picture of a sign for corn dogs. Well played. But my favorite part of this whole contest is the website tagline which reads: "It's An All Day Dog Party," and then at the bottom of the website states:

Note: Dogs are not allowed at the fair with the exception of World’s Ugliest Dog ® Contestant dogs, dogs in the programming described above, and assistance dogs.

It's an all day dog party! Dogs not invited.

[via The Hairpin]

Who has your vote for World's Ugliest Dog?

Topics: Life
Tags: animals, news, contests, dogs, ugly dogs

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About the Author
Josh Sorokach

Josh Sorokach is a comedy writer living in New York City. He's a former American Idol winner, three time Olympian, and habitual liar. Follow him on twitter @Joshsorokach.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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