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100 Ways to Dump Your Guy

100 Ways to Dump Your Guy

By Janet Manley

At some point, breaking up will be necessary, difficult, and end with your hand stuck in a Nutella jar. Some of us do it with grace (please tell us how in the comments!), and some of us bring the awkward-meat to the breakup barbecue. Here are some good, bad and unfortunate ways to break up with your yesterday man:

  1. Kiss him on the forehead, then say, "The elves are leaving Middle Earth."
  2. Put the Hadron Collider in reverse.
  3. "There will never be another like you, because I spent all my Robot Money buying you."
  4. Wave your handkerchief at him, crying and taking step after step backward, until you have run clear over the horizon and into the past.
  5. Tear the plastic flag from his Velcro belt and yell, "GAME!"
  6. Spell out "SORR" with your alphabet noodles. Y? The relationship has just run its course.
  7. Jump into a helicopter.
  8. "Ducks fly together, but penguins like their alone time."
  9. "I will always love u—nicorns, but we have to be real."
  10. "We're related?!"
  11. Make him a special tater tots and salmon dinner, arranged in a sad face.
  12. "Part of me will always be riding a tandem bicycle with you."
  13. "Darling, I have to go to Paris ... Maine. To see my aunt. It's over, I'm sorry."
  14. Break up with an inanimate object, then say your therapist has warned you about Misdirected Emotions.
  15. Interpretive dance.
  16. Get a sky writer to paint "Love gives you wings, but I'm afraid of heights. BBY."
  17. Smoke machine.
  18. "You have my permission to date Jennifer Lawrence."
  19. "Like a wild horse, my heart must roam free, and eat grass and flap its tail when flies land on its butt."
  20. "Heads or tails?"
  21. Click your heels three times and say "Hemsworth, Hemsworth, Hemsworth."
  22. "Somewhere, a clock is ticking."
  23. Click your stopwatch and yell, "Yes! A PR!"
  24. "Don't feel bad, my last boyfriend was a giant panda."
  25. "I need more time to devote to cat-hatting."
  26. Make like a tree and leaf.
  27. Make like a plank and lie still and hope he forgets you're there.
  28. White Fang them. ("Go on, get!")
  29. "You've been Chopped."
  30. "Gaston, there's someone else."
  31. "I need more space. Outer space."
  32. "Here's looking at you, kid."
  33. "The time has come to make a montage of our time together."
  34. #single
  35. "I'm Batman."
  36. "Close your eyes." *Runs away*
  37. "You'll always be in my heart, next to young Bieber."
  38. Reverse-age until you are too young to eat with grownup cutlery.
  39. Have your people call their people.
  40. "You're a special snowflake, but you're not going to survive the summer."
  41. "It can never work out between us, Kong."
  42. Stand on each side of a tectonic fault line and wait...
  43. Use your cry face.
  44. Set your g-chat status to "Gone forever."
  45. Play Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" in reverse.
  46. Floo powder.
  47. Have your father tell him you are dead of humiliation.
  48. "I'm opening up my Facebook feed to other people."
  49. "I guess I'm going through a phase. His name is Harry Styles."
  50. "One last Instagram selfie before we say goodbye forever."
  51. "Have you heard any pop song ever written? I'm afraid that's how it has to be."
  52. "I need to shut down to install my updates."
  53. "It's not you, it's me wooden leg."
  54. "WHITE WALKERS!"
  55. "My spirit animal is a lone wolf."
  56. Use your curling broom to speed your slide away.
  57. "You need to go serve the rebellion."
  58. Hit play.
  59. "I alone must carry the ring."
  60. "We need to not-talk."
  61. "You win! You have reached the end of this game."
  62. Take an extra couple AP classes, and you won't have time for boyfriends.
  63. "I submit my resignation."
  64. "... We'll always have Ed Sheeran."
  65. "In my memoir, your code name will be 'Robert P.' Now I need to collect more stories."
  66. "It's hard to believe we'll never bump teeth again, but it's true."
  67. "I'm getting braces."
  68. "I've done some research for you on possible future girlfriends, whom I've pasted into this handy PowerPoint presentation. Lights, please."
  69. Hold a book on either side of you and nod your head once, thus book-ending the relationship.
  70. Throw yourself in a dumpster, and yell out "I fall on my sword, m'liege!"
  71. Flick the house lights on and off.
  72. "Taxi!"
  73. "I am the ghost of girlfriends past..."
  74. With a mouthful of falafel, just shake your head with melancholy eyes and dab your tears with a pita.
  75. Create a Kickstarter.
  76. Pinterest pictures of people alone in fields.
  77. Mime.
  78. "When we met, we were young and the flowers were in bloom. Now I'm old and have hayfever."
  79. Hop aboard a ferry bound for the Great South.
  80. Hand them a framed photo of yourself and tell them, "I might not be with you, but my duckface always will be."
  81. "Steeee-rike!"
  82. Throw a sheet over his head and climb down a manhole.
  83. "Shhh. Forever."
  84. "One more noogie before we part for good."
  85. "One is the loneliest number, but it's also prime."
  86. "Please give me a good Yelp review when this is over."
  87. "Graduation day!"
  88. "You're just somebody that I used to know."
  89. Paint a picture of the two of you, with a baboon in the middle, and say, "This is a metaphor."
  90. Turn to wood.
  91. Whistle for your horse, leap on, and ride into the sunset.
  92. "This relationship isn't big enough for the two of us."
  93. "It's time I dried my hand-sweat."
  94. "I'm hiring a new kiss coach."
  95. "I have my hands in too many pies."
  96. "Remember the happier emojis :/ "
  97. Bring down the curtain.
  98. Have a cane hook around your waist and yank you out of the picture.
  99. Have a cane hook around their waist and yank them out of the picture.
  100. Place a penny on each of their eyes.

*Requires felt shoes.

HELP! What are some better ways to break up with someone?

Topics: Life
Tags: breakups, awkward situations, lists, guys, breaking up, 100 lists

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About the Author
Janet Manley

Janet is the offspring of a mid-sized kangaroo and a stately gum tree. She grew up under a hole in the ozone layer, which probably means she can survive in outer space. She tweets @janetmanley

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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