Skip over navigation

The Worst Sleeping Habits

The Worst Sleeping Habits

By Emily Winter

We Sparkitors have a lot of terrible sleeping habits. We're trying to kick them—they result in neck cramps and no boyfriends. Come to think of it, you probably shouldn't do these things either. Here are our top three least-recommended sleeping habits:

1. Sleeping with your phone in your hand

What you think will happen: In the middle of the night, you will receive a text message from the one person on the planet who makes your butt sweat and your mouth barfy—your CRUSH. "Thank Aphrodite I'm close enough to my phone to hear it buzz!" you will think. And then you will text romantical emoticons until sunrise, when you and your crush will turn into cartoon bunnies and get married on a rainbow.

What will actually happen: You will sleep text your crush in the middle of the night, imploring him to bring a vial of his blood to school tomorrow because :D. Then you will drool on your phone, rendering the letter "A" forever unusble.

Sleeping on the couch

What you think will happen: You will wake up at some reasonable time, such as 30 minutes after the moment you fall asleep. Newly energized, you will floss, brush your perfect teeth, and carefully apply a mint lily face mask to ensure a healthy glow in the morning.

What will actually happen: You will wake up at 4:26 a.m. The TV will be on. For some reason, you will start crying. You will stop only when you become distracted by the chalky taste in your mouth, the product of not wearing your night guard and slowly pulverizing your own teeth into worthless tooth dust. Your eye boogers will begin to cause itchiness and general discomfort about Life and Everything. You realize you should take your contacts out. Instead, you fall back asleep, shivering, with one arm over your head.

Sleeping when you have to pee

What you think will happen: Nothing. Everything will be fine.

What will actually happen: You will not wet the bed. You will have a dream in which  your physics teacher turns into a physics-teacher-shaped balloon clown who expands and then finally explodes on your homework, soaking it. You will wake up, run to the bathroom, and stub a toe on a doorframe before desperately relieving yourself. You will not be able to look at balloons for the rest of your life. Your toe will heal, crookedly.

Do you have any bad sleeping habits?

[This post was originally published in January, 2012]

Topics: Life
Tags: horrible things, sleeping, bad habits, nighttime

Write your own comment!


Write your own comment!