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Batman Can't Do It Alone: Less Popular Superheroes of Gotham

Batman Can't Do It Alone: Less Popular Superheroes of Gotham

By Bo Larkin

Though the superhero industry is thriving, it isn’t exactly a walk, er, flight through the park to become a recognized symbol of urban security. Consider the path you must take to become a protector of the good people of Gotham City. Your competition is Batman. BATMAN, guys. The Dark Knight operates from a bat cave within a mansion, possesses a lifetime of experience battling the underworld, and has unlimited resources at his disposal. You, on the other hand, can’t wait to move out of your parents’ place, once battled a bee and lost, and have saved just enough allowance for a nylon cape and some sweet nunchucks. But don’t be discouraged, aspiring helper of humanity! Get inspired by these not-so-super heroes, who have established slightly less illustrious—but still fulfilling!—careers lurking in the more well-lit areas of Gotham.

Souperman. None shall go un-nourished under the watchful eye of Souperman. As a young boy, Souperman once stood helplessly by as his father accidentally spilled an entire bowl of soup, its vital nutrients splattered on the kitchen floor like the blood of Gotham’s innocents. “Don’t worry son, it’s just soup,” his dad cried—but it was too late. After several years of outpatient therapy at Arkham Asylum, Souperman made it his business to ensure no broth be wasted, and vowed to deliver it to anyone in need (he spends most Saturdays working at a local soup kitchen).

Tin Man. Little known fact: Iron Man’s timid, heartless brother tried his hand at superheroism before following his true passion: acting! A role in the touring company of The Wizard Of Oz led him to Gotham, where he lives in a studio apartment in the city’s theater district. Superpowers include breathing, walking, and speaking (impressive considering he has no inner organs). He's currently too busy auditioning for Once Upon a Time to save lives, but he does let Tony Stark crash on his couch when he’s in town for Bruce Wayne’s charity balls.

Captain Comeback. Ever come up with the perfect retort to someone’s mean comment…fifteen minutes after they said it? Never fear, Captain Comeback is near! She can always hear those who live in fear, with her ear…okay that’s enough. Saving you the embarrassment of running back to the scene of the crime after all has been forgotten, just to yell, “Oh yeah, well your hair looks like a BUTT,” Captain Comeback has the ability to come in on cue to quash the comment of your corruptor with a keen counter quip comprised of clever cool and catlike quickness.

Facebook Friend. Sometimes Facebook can be a little much to take on all by yourself. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a partner to monitor your likes and edit your status updates? Enter Facebook Friend, saving Gotham from social media calamity! “My cat’s butt is so cute!” becomes “My cat is so cute!” or, if you’re lucky, “My cat just ran through the set of Spiderman and ruined the take! Andy is so mad at me. #humblebrag”

Pretty Decent Guy. This somewhat-super hero has nothing to hide, and just wants to make life in Gotham a little bit easier. Pretty Decent Guy can be found giving up his seat when the bus is full, breaking a dollar at vending machines everywhere, and never forgetting anyone’s name. He’s a pretty good guy.

What's your not-so-super power?

Topics: Life
Tags: superheroes, superpowers, batman, ridiculous things, funny things

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About the Author
Bo Larkin

Based out of Chicago, Bo Larkin, aka Bryan Albert, makes a living as a writer and musician. Bryan comprises half of the cabaret/art song duo "Lovers' Quarrel" and is a guitar teacher and ensemble coach at Sherwood at Columbia College and Southport Performing Arts Conservatory. Check him out at Chicagoguitarist.com and @bogitano

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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