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New Emoticons That May Save Your Life

New Emoticons That May Save Your Life

By Bo Larkin

Imagine a world where humans have all but ceased speaking to one another. A world where people communicate via glowing screens, frequently falling into fountains, walking in front of cars, or tripping over small dogs because they’re so busy expressing themselves via =D instead of via actual eye contact. Surprise! This is basically the world we’re now living in, and we should all embrace the rise of the emoticon. But how much can you really get across with a =), a =(, or even a XD? When you’re looking to make a point in five characters or less, you need a better way. We propose these highly effective new emoticons, which we suspect will be highly useful in the everyday lives of all glowing screen-loving earthlings:

1. {•_•} I’m watching you, and I think your hair looked better yesterday.

For the stalker on the go!

2. {•_•,} After spending the whole night Liking every one of your Facebook photos, I realize I’ve been kinda psycho lately. Things will be different from now on! Please take me back!

Nothing says “I’m normal now” like a sweet emoticon.

3. ~ ~ ~ ~ \ •_•’/ I’m being chased by snakes!

Finally, a quick way to broadcast in real time the number one cause of human death.

4. ~ ~\. ./~ ~ I’m drowning—in a pile of snakes!

Imagine the eternal glory of having this as your final status update.

5. ≈≈\. ./≈≈ No, wait, it’s water. Sorry, guys.

They’ll thank you later for the clarification (but you will be too dead to notice).

6. +[ •_•,]+ Robots may have taken over, but they still have feelings.

An easy way to fight back against the negativity of the anti-robot revolutionaries.

7. >=^=*> I’m as tired as a shark right now.

“Tired as a dog”? We think not. Take a look at your dog. Is he lying in a sunbeam having a cute dream about squirrels? Yes. Yes, he is. Now take the average shark: swimming, eating, terrifying, 24 hours a day. Our money’s on him as the number one most overworked animal.

8. ( •} I’m a human being, please don’t crush me.

One day your phone will actually be a full-service robot! Robots have terrible memories, and need to be constantly reminded of their human users' soft tissue and breakable bones. This emoticon will take the place of periods when conversing with potentially murderous robots( •}

9. +[•_•]+ I’m a robot, death to all humans.

Just in case you were wondering what robots think of the above emoticon, we asked one. His response: “Importunate grammatical icons are proof of innate ignorance+[•_•]+

10. <|:-{ I’m a wizard.

No, seriously. I’m a wizard.

How many times a day will you using these emoticons? What other new emoticons need to exist?

Topics: The Internets
Tags: ridiculous things, funny things, emoticons, robots

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About the Author
Bo Larkin

Based out of Chicago, Bo Larkin, aka Bryan Albert, makes a living as a writer and musician. Bryan comprises half of the cabaret/art song duo "Lovers' Quarrel" and is a guitar teacher and ensemble coach at Sherwood at Columbia College and Southport Performing Arts Conservatory. Check him out at Chicagoguitarist.com and @bogitano

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.