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More Graduation Speech Techniques to Get the Crowd Laughing

More Graduation Speech Techniques to Get the Crowd Laughing

By Anthony DeVito

Giving a graduation speech can be tricky! You want to sound smart, but you also want to get some chuckles. We don’t know how to sound smart, but here are some funny things you can do during a graduation speech:

1. Make some kind of reference to how the food in the cafeteria stinks.  Then, after that gets a laugh, go into great detail about how the Math department is even worse; citing low test scores and a general lack of enthusiasm.

2. It doesn’t matter which you choose, but close your speech with any tweet from Miley Cyrus.

3. Reminiscent of civil rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King, open your speech by saying “I have a dream!”  Then, start explaining some weird dream you had last night.

4. After you’ve given your speech, reach under your gown and take out a bottle of soda. Then, pour a little out on the ground and say “This is for all my dead homies.”

5. At some point, make every student look to the person on their left and look to the person on their right. Then, once they’ve done that, say “remember those faces, because unless you frequent a rest stop Denny’s, you’ll probably never see them again.”

6. As the speech continues, just slowly and subtlety start mixing in your radical political beliefs.

7. Halfway through the speech, begin talking about how diverse The Unites States of America has become. Then, after you’ve given your speech in English, start again from the beginning. Only this time, take off your cap, put on a beret, take a bite out of a baguette, and do it in French.

8. Give a very earnest and thoughtful speech. Then at the very end, start counting down from ten and when you get to one wish everyone a Happy New Year!

9. In the middle of the speech, address everyone in the student body and say “I predict we’ll all be rich and successful, except you Doug, you don’t have a chance.” Keep in mind your school could have multiple Dougs or no Dougs. It doesn’t matter—the “Doug  joke” will definitely get a laugh. Then, with the last line of your speech, point to heaven and say “None of this matters, we all end up there one day. Except you Doug.” In the comedy world, this is what’s known as a callback. And in the graduation speech world, its what’s known as confusing.

10. At the end of your speech, yell “Live from New York, its Saturday night!” Then, continue to introduce every cast member of Saturday Night Live.

11. Just start barking like a dog, then act confused and curious about the audience’s puzzled reaction. Then, calmly tell the crowd “Look, my dog never ate my homework, but he did write my graduation speech.”  At this point, take out a chewy bone and go to town on that thing!

12. Similar to the movie Super Troopers, see how many times you can slip in the cat noise “meow” throughout your speech.

13. Verbatim, give the same speech as Bill Pullman toward the end of the movie Independence Day.

What's the weirdest commencement speech you've ever heard?

Topics: Life
Tags: graduation, high school, lists, graduating, commencement, graduation speeches

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About the Author
Anthony DeVito

Anthony DeVito is a NYC based comic. Originally from New Jersey, he was featured as one of the "New Faces" at the 2012 Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, recently taped a Gotham Comedy Live on AXS TV, performed at the 2013 Bridgetown Comedy Festival and 2013 SF Sketchfest, and is also the former host of "Say What?!" on the NOC TV. You can follow him on Twitter @anthonydevito_

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