So, you’re the unlucky member of the Class of 2013 who’s giving the big speech at your H.S. graduation. Maybe you’re a valedictorian, maybe you won a competition, maybe you were the last one to yell “Not it!” at the last assembly. Regardless, all eyes and ears will be on you, unless of course you bore everyone to death, then their eyes and ears will be on their phones as they post about your epic speech fail and make post-dinner-with-the-fam plans for that night.
You don’t want that to happen, so we’re here to help make your jabbering something that will get a standing O instead of making them wish they were watching a 3-hour slideshow of Kristen Stewart’s facial expressions. Sure, there are certain requirements for every grad speech, such as shout-outs of thanks to parents and teachers, fond memories of your soon-to-be alma mater, and claims that the Class of `13 is the swaggiest and will go on to cure cancer, save the polar bears, or develop apps that keep track of the rates of cancer in polar bears. But if you’re looking for some material that’ll hopefully keep everyone awake until they grab their diplomas, feel free to spit out any of these words of wisdom:
- “The world has changed so much in our four years here; at least that’s what Wikipedia says.”
- “Our teachers have taught us not to be afraid of challenges and obstacles. Because of them, I believe that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. They also taught us about the evils of plagiarism.”
- “Happily, we have made friendships here that will last a lifetime. Sadly, we’ve posted things on Instagram that will as well.”
- “Sometimes, we have to admit our parents are right, and I want to thank mine for paying for the removal of my `Joe Jonas Is My Lovebug’ tattoo.”
- “In the face of injustice, intolerance or discrimination, our generation can change the world, or at least change our profile pics.”
- “While we may not remember everything we learned here, we will always remember the important things, like learning the Periodic Table of the Constitution, reading To Kill a Mockingjay, and probably something about numbers.”
- “In conclusion, we of the Class of 2013 look forward to a future in which we achieve great things, live life purposefully and follow our dreams. Except that one dream about showing up for the final exam in a class we never actually went to. That dream blows.”
What funny lines do you wish you could say at graduation?