How to Deal With Your Friends' Gross S.O. Pet Names
AhahahahEWWWW, did your friend really just call her boyfriend Señor Cutie Booty, right in front of you? SHE TOTALLY DID, and you totally heard it, and now both of them are bright red, staring at you, and waiting to see what you're going to do with this terrible, inadvertent glimpse into their personal romantic life. How do you want to play this one? There are a few ways it could go:
1. Pretend you heard nothing. Deny, deny, deny. "Sorry if I don't respond to anything you're saying right now; I'm trying out my new invisible headphones!" You're a modern-day hero, girl.
2. Laugh for an hour. Until you pee yourself, and are thus required to sign a nondisclosure agreement with your friend and her boyfriend, lest either of your embarrassing secrets gets out.
3. Call him by that nickname forever and ever. Even at your 20-year high school reunion, when he's married to a stranger and you can no longer remember his real name.
4. Pass out with embarrassment. The tension's too dang thick. The nickname's too freaking hilarious! When you come to, all memory of ever hearing, "Sexy von Twinklebutts" will have been reverse-Incepted from your mind.
5. Say nothing now, tell EVERYONE later. This is also known as "killing them softly," with delayed embarrassment.
6. Suggest alternatives. "I don't know, maybe Honey You You is too topical? Why not go for something classy, like Sir Reginald of Cutesville?"
7. Slump slowly to the ground, then roll away. Ignore all obstacles. Roll upward if you must. Pretend you were never there.
8. RUN. And don't look back. Change schools, possibly. Or at least friend groups. This tactic is to be used only with nicknames that reach nuclear embarrassment levels, such as Poopsnack, Picklefarts, or Li'l Butt Bear.
9. Barf in your mouth. This isn't really a choice, it's more an inevitable reaction to hearing your bestie refer to the guy you know for a fact ate his boogers until the fifth grade as "my magical mantiger."
We prefer strategy #7 because of how COOL it makes us look. What do you do when you accidentally overhear an embarrassing pet name?