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A Spoiler-Free Review of Iron Man 3!

A Spoiler-Free Review of Iron Man 3!


By my calculations, Iron Man 3 has made about—hold on a

moment as I carry the one—infinity dollars. I tried to see the movie last week but alas it was sold out. I attempted to show the theater employee my press pass, but he informed me that press passes don't work for public movies, and that an "Applebees gift card" is not the same as a press pass. Then on my way home, I lost my Applebees gift card. That's $25 dollars of pure mozzarella stick utopia I'll never see again.

I finally saw Iron Man 3 last night, and I have to say it's better than advertised. When I review a movie, I don't just review the movie, like my name's Johnny Noob. Oh no. I review the entire movie going experience.

Iron Man 3:

When I read about the box office success of Iron Man 3, I assumed it was a fine movie that made an absorbent amount of money due to favorable preexisting circumstances. The recent surge in popularity of Marvel movies, Robert Downey Jr., the first big budget superhero movie of 2013, the success of recent Avengers/Iron Man movies—I believed that all of these factors led to box office dominance. I was wrong.

As a singular movie, and not just a piece in a larger franchise, Iron Man 3 exceeds expectations. For starters, Iron Man 3 is funny. Not, "Aw, look at that action movie attempting humor" funny (cough*G.I. Joe*), but legitimately hilarious. Robert Downey Jr. has absolutely perfected the delicate balance needed to play an engaging malcontent. There are a lot of disparate elements that made Iron Man 3 an immensely entertaining motion picture, but first let's take a moment to review an underrated indulgence in any enjoyable movie theater experience.

The Snacks:

The deli I went to prior to Iron Man 3 was sold out of gummy worms, so I was forced to consume gummy bears during the movie. LIKE AN ANIMAL. I also bought a small pack of pepperoni-flavored combos which I promptly finished before the Fast & Furious 6 trailer was over. I wonder if the FF6 taglineAll Roads Lead to This—is supposed to signify that the entirety of civilization was just a precursor to this movie. I hope so. If the Fast & Furious franchise ceased to exist, could we even legally refer to ourselves as a civilization anymore?

You can tell a lot about a person by their movie theater snack preference. My decision to heroically take a stand against rising movie theater Junior Mint prices? It shows I'm a bad boy who refuses to conform to social norms—and that I'm cheap. If you're on your first to third date, I'd stay clear of any concrete movie theater meals like hotdogs or chicken fingers. Why only first to third date? I'm not sure. It's an unwritten rule, and as a general rule of thumb, I don't write unwritten rules. Hmm. That sounds like a brilliant line of dialogue Vin Diesel would say to Tobey MaGuire in Fast & Furious 9: The Great Fastby.

One more tip: popcorn and soda? Good. Popcorn and slushie? Marry that human.

Iron Man 3 Yays and Nays:

Yay: Robert Downey Jr.

What separates Iron Man 3 from your standard superhero movie is the exceptional writing. The creative team's familiarity with both Tony Stark and Robert Downey Jr. is evident throughout the entire film. The top-to-bottom superior acting performances of Iron Man 3 is comparable to Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy in terms of effectively grounding larger than life characters.

Nay: Not Enough Don Cheadle

I would watch Don Cheadle and Robert Downey Jr. do anything. Two hours of them trying to verbally trump each other while mini-golfing? Sure. You could argue that the "Not Enough Cheadle" rule applies to everything. The worst thing about Here Comes Honey Boo Boo? Not enough Don Cheadle. This iced coffee I'm drinking? Needs more Cheadle. The book I'm reading? Don Cheadle would be a curious addition to George Orwell's 1984, but I think he'd make this classic novel just a little bit better.

Yay: Gwyneth Paltrow's Abs

G-Trow had quite the roller coaster ride the past two weeks. First she was awarded the dubious distinction of Hollywood's Most Hated by Star magazine and then Paltrow was named World's Most Beautiful by People magazine. What a week! I have a panic attack if I use the word pandemonium incorrectly! Seriously. I'll literally pandemonium into a paper bag for 15 minutes. Speculation abounds that Paltrow was named most hated because people were irritated by her new health and lifestyle book.  Settle down, America. In Iron Man 3 Paltrow displays the abs of a female Taylor Lautner, so whatever she's doing it's working.

Nay: Aldrich Killian's Wardrobe

Sometimes Killian looked dapper. Other times he dressed like he was attending a Casual Friday Chili's Hula Hoop Contest on a Carnival cruise. I enjoy the name Aldrich Killian though. Sounds like the name of a wealthy dentist you'd meet at an art gala.

Yay: Jarvis

I can't state this clearly enough: I will always be a fan of humans bantering with wise-cracking computers. I love banter in general, but when you throw a computer into the equation? That's a recipe for comedic gold.

Yay: The Trailers

Star Trek 2, Thor 2, Man of Steel, Fast & Furious 6, The Wolverine. Wow. Is it just me or does there seem to be an unusually high amount of must-see movies this summer?

Nay: No Dancing Food

When are these classic "dancing snack" advertisements going to make a comeback? I know I've more than likely been brainwashed by their soothing, rhythmic tunes and mesmerizing dancing but... *eyes start to bug out* *starts mumbling* Must. Go. To. Lobby. Must. Have. Myself. A. Snack.

Iron Man 3 MVP: Ty Simpkins

Who's Ty Simpkins? Ty Simpkins is the precocious child who unexpectedly partners up with Tony Stark to help thwart evil.  Simpkins is already a veteran movie actor appearing in over 10 films and he's only... I'm not sure. I don't see an age on IMDB. I'd guess somewhere between the age of 5-23. I'm not adept at inferring people's ages.

The subtly genuine yet overtly hilarious scenes between Simpkins and Downey Jr. are easily the very best in the movie. Their witty repartee and RDJ's ability to somehow appear charming while blatantly insulting a child is a testament to the clear vision and confident self-assurance that made Iron Man 3 such a pleasure to watch. Most of us are (probably) never going to be a superhero, but the fact that us mere mortals could one day partner up with Iron Man and assist him in an epic battle while exchanging witty barbs is just the type of charming escapism that make superhero movies like Iron Man 3 so much fun to watch.

Would I recommend Iron Man 3 to a friend? Absolutely. Would I recommend Iron Man 3 to an enemy? Ugh. Yes. Reluctantly. It's that entertaining. But no popcorn.

What was your favorite part of Iron Man 3? Which movie are you most excited about this summer?

Topics: Life, Celebs & Stuff
Tags: superheroes, funny things, movie reviews, robert downey jr., action movies, thrillers, summer blockbusters, iron man 3

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About the Author
Josh Sorokach

Josh Sorokach is a comedy writer living in New York City. He's a former American Idol winner, three time Olympian, and habitual liar. Follow him on twitter @Joshsorokach.

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