If you're reading this post on your iPhone, you should stop what you're doing immediately and set your fingers on fire. Seriously, you won't want to use them again after you hear that your cunning little smartphone has more bacteria on it per square inch than a toilet seat. A toilet seat, you guys. And not some never-used, dust-gathering toilet seat in the guest suite on the second floor of your great-uncle's summer estate, either; we're talking, like, the toilet seat nearest the door in the bathroom at a rest stop McDonald's. Because even that toilet gets cleaned on a daily basis, whereas most of us don't clean our iPhones except in the event that we accidentally spill jam on them, because we are disgusting.
Here is how we know this: some curious, information-seeking person at Mashable decided to analyze his cellphone, and discovered that the touchscreens we spend our days in constant contact with are thickly colonized with all manner of repulsive things, moreso than your kitchen counter, your doorknob, or your dog's food dish. Which means that for all the things your iPhone does—playing music, texting your mom, and launching tiny furious digital birds at the wooden fortresses of evil pigs—the thing it does best of all is to coat your fingertips with an invisible layer of microorganismic filth, which you have in all likelihood already smeared all over your face and the faces of everyone you love. Also, if you've been pressing your iPhone to your ear while talking on it, you probably have ebola.
Are you washing your phone right now?