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Our Favorite Body Myths (That Are Probably True)

Our Favorite Body Myths (That Are Probably True)

By kat_rosenfield

You know what's fun about the human body? Um, yeah, NOTHING.

It's a bizarre, horrible, mysterious place in which strange things are constantly happening and nothing ever makes sense. I mean, have you seen a kidney? What even is that?! (And don't use the word "nephrotic" in your answer, either, we all know that's something you just made up on the bus because you think it makes you sound smart.)

Anyway, bodies. They're something! We're terrified of ours! And today, in celebration of all the terrible unknowable enigmas that surround our own biology, we at SparkLife have culled this by-no-means-complete selection of a few of our favorite crazypants myths about the human body... and by "myths," we mean "also possibly facts, so maybe keep an eye on your nosehair situation just in case."

#1: If you keep making that face, it will stay that way.

#2: It takes seven years to digest a piece of gum.

#3: Excessive masturbation causes blindness, insanity, and hairy palms.

#4: Acne is caused by overconsumption of greasy foods.

#5: For every gray hair you pluck, three more will sprout in its place.

#6: Cracking your knuckles causes arthritis.

#11: If you concentrate very hard for 36 uninterrupted hours, you can cause a new toe to sprout from a bodily location of your choosing. CHOOSE WISELY.

#17: Bellybuttons are puckered like that because your innards taste like lemons.

#19: The eyes are the windows to the soul... or, sometimes, the windows to the apartment of Dwight Bicklewafer, a 40-something bachelor in Topeka, Kansas, who enjoys board games, pay-per-view boxing, and cats.

#22: Excessive nose hair, if left unchecked, may form itself into a tumbleweed-like structure. If left really unchecked, it may develop a sentient consciousness, uproot itself, and flee in the night.

#105: The number one cause of migraine headaches is a condition known amongst medical experts as "flaming head beavers."

#193: Every person born before 1997 has at least one fully detachable body part.

#276: The human mouth is a top ten vacation destination for European tourists.

#341: The dimply flab on your butt is called "cottage cheese" because it is made of cottage cheese. Serve your butt over fresh fruit for a light, delicious breakfast.

#1287: If you have a slight overbite, it means you ate your twin in the womb.

#2199: You are actually an alien frog creature wearing a human suit.

What are your favorite body myths?

Topics: Life
Tags: myths, bodies

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About the Author
kat_rosenfield

Kat Rosenfield is a writer, illustrator, advice columnist, YA author, and enthusiastic licker of that plastic liner that comes inside a box of Cheez-Its. She loves zombies and cats. She hates zombie cats. Follow her on Twitter or Tumblr @katrosenfield.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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