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Auntie SparkNotes: I've Been Faking It

Auntie SparkNotes: I've Been Faking It

By kat_rosenfield

This is awfully awkward for me to talk about, and might I just say that it's taking a lot of guts to fess up to this. Soo... here goes everything.


My boyfriend of a year and a half and I have been sexually active for the past 9 months or so, and I have a small problem. I love him with all my heart, and I love having sex with him because there's something about it that just makes me feel beautiful and wanted, and I love being able to get that close to him and please him. With that being said, that's really the only reason why I do it. Because whenever we do the HND, he... erhm... "finishes"... and I don't.

I'm perfectly able to complete the task when I'm enjoying myself alone, but other than that it's like I just can't. Also, he thinks I have been this entire time. Out of the multiple times we've had relations, maybe twice have been authentic. I don't have the heart to tell him I've been faking it, and I most certainly won't because he'd be outraged and hurt and consequentially break up with me. He did so with one of his last girlfriends for the same reason.

So I guess my question is, Auntie, what exactly can I do to make it to where we *both* get something out of the HND? And am I normal???

Alright, you guys! You know the deal: we're about to have a frank, mature conversation hereabout how to properly Do The Sexy Things—so anyone who gets freaked out by straightforward talk about lady parts, now is your chance to skedaddle. (But seriously, maybe stick around anyway? Especially if you ever plan to be, or be with, a woman who enjoys Doing The Sexy Things. You might learn something important!)

That said, Sparkler, this advice begins with a stern admonishment—to you, and to the Lady Sparkletariat at large—to please, henceforth and forevermore, never fake an orgasm again.

Seriously. Not ever. Under penalty of salmon.

Because here's the thing about faking your Os: not only do you ruin the HND for yourself, but you also ruin it for every other girl who encounters your partner in the future, flooding the dating pool with deluded dudes who, thanks to your utterly convincing imitations of climactic delight, believe themselves to be naturally awesome and amazing at sex—when, in fact, they're freakin' terrible at it.

Please, for the sake of the human race, do not create one of these monsters. Okay? Okay.

And with that out of the way, let's get down to business, beginning with this:

Yes, you're normal. So, so normal! In fact, statistically speaking, it's those other girls—the ones who can get to O-town during intercourse alone—who are a bunch of weirdos. The vast majority of ladies (we're talking more than 75%) don't work that way, not least because, as we discussed a bit in this post about do-it-yourselfing, all the female bits that make sex pleasurable are located north of the bits you use to actually have sex. And because of that inconvenient little anatomical detail, the P-in-V HND isn't enough to get most women to the finish line.

Which is why it's such a lucky thing that nature gave your boyfriend two hands and a tongue, in addition to his other bits. (Or at least, I assume he has these things... but if you're dating a tongueless double amputee, you're welcome to write me back, and also, you must be hanging out in some extremely interesting places.)

And to answer your question: the way to make sure you both get something from the experience is for him make sure you get your something first—and if the HND alone doesn't hit your sweet spots, then you guys need to widen your sexual repertoire, either before or after the act itself, to include activities you do enjoy.

See? Easy.

Except for one thing: this also means that you need to be vocal and direct about what, where, and how you want to be touched. Girls' bodies are less straightforward than guys' when it comes to this stuff, and everyone's desires and tastes are different; you have to show and tell your boyfriend what you like, or he'll never know. (And gentlemen, be forewarned: this process starts fresh with every new partner, which means that the words, "Well, my last girlfriend liked it that way!" should never, ever pass your lips.)

So, the next time you can speak to him privately, tell your boyfriend that you're enjoying your time between the sheets... but that you'd be enjoying it more if he did this thing, in that way, like so. Maybe you'll talk him through it; maybe you can demonstrate; either way, you'll be totally clear about what you want. Right? And your boyfriend, if he's a decent human being and caring partner, will happily change things up (or delay his own gratification) in order to make sure you're both having fun.

...That is, if he is a decent human being and caring partner. Because I'm sorry to say, Sparkler, that the part where he broke up with a previous girlfriend over this issue suggests that you're dating a jerk—or at least a guy who's so super-insecure about his performance in the sack that he can't handle any suggestion, implied or otherwise, that his skills could use some work. In which case, even your most diplomatic means of bringing it up may result in an ugly reaction.

But on the other hand, not bringing it up means having unsatisfying sex until you break up and/or for the rest of your life, and nobody wants that.

So be kind, be direct, and be prepared for a learning curve—but be happy, too, because whatever happens, at least you won't be a big faker about it.

Does this letter ring any bells? Tell us in the comments! (Tastefully, please!) And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Want more info about how this column works? Click for the Auntie SparkNotes FAQ.

Topics: Advice
Tags: auntie sparknotes, relationships, advice, hnd, diy hnd

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About the Author
kat_rosenfield

Kat Rosenfield is a writer, illustrator, advice columnist, YA author, and enthusiastic licker of that plastic liner that comes inside a box of Cheez-Its. She loves zombies and cats. She hates zombie cats. Follow her on Twitter or Tumblr @katrosenfield.

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