Cracked floors. Flat basketballs. Mysterious disappearances. Starting to feel like your school could do with a little sprucing up? It’s not like you’re asking for Seaside-Villa-Sealpups-and-Free-iPads-Prep, or Stony-Pines-Picnics-on-the Porch-No-Test-Junior-High here—just a little beautification and de-deathification would be nice. Maybe you’ve already spotted a few clues that your school isn’t quite up to snuff:
- You have a totally functional nuclear fallout shelter. It’s called the biology lab.
- On test days, a quiet whimpering from inside the walls drowns out the sound of your own whimpering.
- Your chair is attached to your desk and your desk says “I <3 eight-tracks and the USSR sucks!”
- The bathrooms dispense powdered soap.
- Sure, you have air conditioning: you just turn off the lights and take turns breathing on each other.
- Sure, you have heat: you just turn off the lights and take turns breathing on each other.
- The fire alarms trip themselves so often that no one even cares.
- Your chemistry teacher moonlights as a cafeteria lady. In the same room.
- You haven’t gone a day this year without running into something that can fly.
- Your school distributes a laptop to each student!
- You’ve been hit by a falling debris AND leaping debris.
- Your foot is the only operating lock on any of the bathroom doors.
- You can successfully distinguish a mirror from a window less than 50% of the time.
- They broadcast a weekly asbestos forecast.
- There are at least three places that you can fall sleep (or die) and never be found.
Does your high school show any signs of slowly collapsing into chaos and despair?