Auntie SparkNotes: I Lied To Test My BF's Loyalties
Dear Auntie SparkNotes,
I'm pretty sure lots of girls before me have done this: I texted my S.O. in the guise of another girl. Back during Thanksgiving break, he hadn't responded to my texts for a few days without explanation, and I had wanted to know where he went. So I came up with the brilliant idea of texting him as "Katie" because he certainly wasn't talking to me.
He responded to Katie a little later, saying he had left his phone in his locker, the same thing he had told me. I flirted a little with him, and to my dismay, he reciprocated. He finally managed to redeem himself towards the end of the conversation by mentioning me. After saying goodbye, I decided to let it go and not text him as Katie again.
Fast forward a few months to March, and he randomly texted Katie. I was hurt and surprised that he did so, and as a result, I really wanted to push the boundaries to see how far he would go. I managed to woo him to the point where he was willing to leave me for Katie. I was livid and about to reveal myself, when the tables were suddenly turned- he knew it was me all along, and he was angry at me for not trusting him.
I apologized to him, but things have been awkward since. He thinks it's entirely my fault. I would not have texted him as Katie ever again had it not been for the text he sent in March. Seeing as I didn't know that he knew it was me, I don't think it's entirely irrational for me to not have trusted him after he flirted with Katie. After the Thanksgiving break incident up until the March confessions, I was forced to imagine the worst. While I do agree it was a pretty low down thing for me to have texted him as someone else, I also think he made it worse by humoring me. I care deeply for him and want nothing more than to forget about this whole thing, but I can't seem to find the proper closure.
Well, yes. That's not surprising—since when you've just been caught red-handed acting like a complete and total weenie, it's kind of hard to feel awesome about it.
And ugh, Sparkler. I mean, I'm sure lots of girls have maybe thought about testing the loyalties of their boyfriends by texting in the guise of another girl. But most of them probably reconsider the wisdom of that idea before they go so far as to actually do it. Because it's a really bad idea! I mean, terrible! Like, on the spectrum of bad ideas, that one comes somewhere between invading Russia in the middle of winter and rolling naked down a hill covered in cacti.
Which brings us to the part where your boyfriend isn't wrong, because, y'know, this really is entirely your fault. And while it's true that he could have (and yes, okay, should have) just called you out on your shenanigans from the get-go, he's still being remarkably cool for a guy whose girlfriend just pretended to be someone else for the explicit purpose of messing with him. It's actually kind of amazing that he didn't end your relationship over this. (He must really like you!)
And while you say you think it's reasonable that you didn't trust him after he replied flirtatiously to "Katie," the only reason you texted him as "Katie" in the first place is that you never trusted him, period. You viewed your boyfriend with suspicion from the get-go.
Bringing us back to the part where, yes, you really made this mess all by yourself.
The good news is, that means you have all the power to unmake it. And the way to do that, first and foremost, is to face up to the truth: you made a crappy decision, and it blew up in your face. And that's okay. You made a mistake! It happens! But the mistake you don't want to make now is failing to learn from this experience, by vowing not to let your insecurities drive you to do dumb, dishonest things. For instance: imagine if, rather than setting up a text-based sting operation to determine your boyfriend's whereabouts, you just asked him why he went off the grid during the holidays? And then, when he told you, you just believed him? And if you wanted him to shoot you an email or something the next time he was going to be MIA for a few days, you just said as much?
I know. CRAZY. But I swear that a little direct communication, plus some faith in the good character of the guy you love, works wonders for avoiding situations like the one you're in now. And if you can't do these things—if you can't be confident in your boyfriend to be loyal, honest, and considerate with you—then instead, ask yourself why you're wasting your time with a guy you think so little of.
Have you ever pretended to be someone else in order to sting your SO? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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