I’ve officially been an adult for over a month now, but besides avoiding teen pregnancy, I haven’t accomplished very much. I’m 20 years old, but I’m nowhere close to being a functioning member of society. There are just so many things I have no idea how to do—and here they are:
1. Taxes: Honestly, I have no clue how taxes work. If my dad’s accountant didn’t handle all this stuff, I’m pretty sure I’d be in jail right now for tax fraud. How much money did I earn? How much money do I owe? Do I get money back? Who do I even give my money to? Can I just make out a blank check to the US government and let them handle this for me?
2. Using a credit card: I love my debit card. I know how much money I have on it, and I never have to worry about spending money I don’t have. I even have one of those fancy student accounts where they don’t charge me any fees. So why do I need a credit card? TO BUILD CREDIT, that’s why! Apparently, when you use your credit card and pay all your bills in time, you get some magical numbers and these numbers become your credit score. Then years down the road, when you need to take out a loan to buy a house or some other adult thing, a wizard looks up your credit score and then he decides how much more money you need to give to him. I think.
3. Signing legal documents: Long gone are the good old days of being under 18 when your parents had to sign all important papers. Now it’s up to you to read the fine print and make sure you aren’t signing away your first born son or selling any of your internal organs. I read an article somewhere that said it would take you 87 hours to read all the things you agree to in one year. Okay, I didn’t read it—more like skimmed it. Come on, ain’t nobody got time for that.
4. Scheduling doctor’s appointments: Back home, if I got sick, my mom would just call up the doctor and schedule an appointment. Then I would get off from school, and the doctor would look at me for 10 minutes, prescribe some drugs, and send me on my way. Now if I get sick, I call my mom, she tells me to go to student health, I ignore her, and then I go to CVS and grab some Tylenol before class. I don’t know what I would do if I was legitimately dying, though. Do they have doctors in the phonebook? Who am I kidding? I don’t know how to use a phonebook. WebMD it is!
5. Making phone calls: Okay, I know I’m not the only one with this problem. I’m afraid of making phone calls. I hate dialing the phone. I hate the ringing before someone picks up. I hate waiting for someone to call you and knowing that your phone is going to ring. I even hate watching someone else make a phone call. I can’t explain it—all I know is it stresses me out and I avoid it at all costs. But adults make phone calls, like, all the time. If I was in charge of the world, I’d ban all phone calls. Text, email, or carrier pigeon only. Also, if I was in charge of the world, unicorns would exist.
6. Change a flat tire/change the oil in my car/do anything with a car besides drive and get gas: Sure, I took driver’s ed. Approximately 4 years ago. But I’ve never actually done any of the things they taught us how to do. My plan if I ever get a flat tire is to look as helpless as possible and hope someone takes pity on me. That, or Youtube a tutorial if the occasion ever arises.
7. Having a job: Next semester I’ll be on co-op, which means I’m actually working a real job. Like, waking up and dressing myself and functioning 9-5. I have no idea how that works. When I think of real jobs, I think of waking up, driving to work, sitting behind a desk for 8 hours doing something (I assume writing emails and scheduling meetings), and then going home, eating and sleeping. That’s adult life. Bleak, I know. But they pay you real money so you can buy food to eat, so that’s kind of nice.
Anyone else totally unprepared for the adult world? Thankfully I still have 2 more years of college before I have to deal with most of this stuff, but even that seems like not enough time. Maybe I should go to grad school.