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The Six Worst People to Take to the Movies

The Six Worst People to Take to the Movies

By Melissa Albert

Some peoples should just not be allowed to go to the movies. They mistake the theater for their living room, the film for an interactive experience, and their fellow movie watchers for people who care to hear their insights mid-film. Until you watch a movie with someone, you can never really know what evil lurks within. Here are some of the worst cinematic offenders (who might already be INSIDE YOUR FRIEND GROUP):

The Predictor. "THEY'RE GONNA END UP TOGETHER," the Predictor scream-whispers as the two leads meet cute on the streets of New York City. "HE'S GONNA KILL THE TERRORISTS," she predicts sagely, as Bruce Willis swaggers onto the screen. Thanks for the tip, Chief Inspector Obvious.

The Nonbeliever. This person can't get over the fact that none of it would actually happen that way. "You mean he just happened to overhear the bad guys' plans? Yeah, right!" "But he looks nothing like Darth Vader. There's no way those two would be related!" Hey, Nonbeliever. Come look at this popcorn. Closer. Closer.

The Comedian. This person waits for onscreen silence, then deploys a "hilarious" inappropriate comment. Female love interest is dying of cholera? "WHERE'S THE NYQUIL!" Anti-lolz! Or they think they're SO funny that they can beat onscreen comedians at their own game. Anyone who felt the need to yell "WOLF PACK!" during Hangover 2 falls into this category.

The Unwrapper. This person wants so badly to be a good moviegoer! That's why they'll take 47 minutes to stealthily unwrap a single Jolly Rancher, crinkling and cringing apologetically the entire time.

The Participator. There's something a tiny bit charming about someone who thinks bellowing, "DON'T GO INTO THE BASEMENT!" will actually save Random Blonde Starlet from imminent decapitation. Then again, there's also something loud, irritating, and terrible about them. All things considered, the Participator is not invited to our opening night Great Gatsby viewing.

The person who says "Oh, watch this part!" That's like telling someone who's eating a sandwich to, "Oh, eat that bite!" We are in a movie theater. We will watch all the parts.

Oh man, we're SUCH Unwrappers! We just want to eat our candy so badly, but we also want to do it quietly. It's a conundrum for the ages. Do you fall into any of these categories? What are you biggest movie theater pet peeves?

Topics: Life
Tags: annoying things, movies, pet peeves, funny things, dos and don'ts, movie theaters, annoying people, funny lists, movie theater etiquette

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About the Author
Melissa Albert

Melissa Albert reads books, worries about other people’s dogs (they look thirsty), and eats horrible candy for fun and profit. When not wearing her extremely tasteful Sparkitor hat, she’s an editor for the Barnes & Noble Book Blog. You can find her on Twitter @mimi_albert, or in the hot pretzel section of your local cafeteria.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.