Skip over navigation

Reviewing the Reviews: Pitch Perfect Edition

Reviewing the Reviews: Pitch Perfect Edition

By Josh Sorokach

Universal Studios

When I asked my current boss and future BFF Chelsea Dagger to write a "Reviewing the Reviews" post on Pitch Perfect I was slightly worried that the Netflix commenting community would let me down. Pitch Perfect was my favorite movie of 2012, so maybe I'd be unable to find any negative reviews on Netflix. Josh, you silly, silly, beautiful-on-the-inside man, you should be concerned about a lot of thingsyour dopey ears, your inability to locate the Indian Ocean on a map, the fact that up until two weeks ago you thought the word "menagerie" was slang term for a fancy monkey in a suit, but you should never worry about the heroes of the Netflix commenting community disappointing you. It just won't happen.

Here are my reviews of the reviews of Pitch Perfect.

Netflix Review: I have never written a review before, but I need to warn others: My wife and I watched 20 minutes and hated every minute of it. We stopped the DVD and put in another. Young people deserve better, and so do I. One Star.

You NEED to warn others? Relax Batman; Netflix isn't Gotham City and Pitch Perfect is not the Joker. One star.

Netflix Review: I heard a lot of great reviews of this movie. However I think the genre of Glee is overdone as Psy Did you just say "Who is Psy?" Well it's nice that all those kids that were on Barney as adsolents and lipped synced to songs now have a place to work as late teens. I fear what will come next? One star.

You want to insult Pitch Perfect, Glee, and the seemingly basic rules of proper question mark usage? Fine. But do not insult my main man Psy! Not now. Not EVER. He has over a billion Youtube views. Have you ever tried to count to a billion? It's exhausting. I only got as far as 481,516 until I turned to my date and said, "You know what? You get the picture." I think she lost her phone because all of my texts have mysteriously gone unanswered. Foul play? Possibly. Bad review? Definitely. Two stars.

Netflix Review: As a musician, I'm insulted to hear a stage full of people, mostly without mics, badly lip-syncing to auto-tuned, EQed, pitch shifted and heavily sampled/overdubbed voices. That's the the technical aspect without getting into how unrealistic the characters are. That said, it's still a fun movie. Three stars.

Free tip: Don't start a sentence with the phrase, "As a musician" and then proceed with a list of petty grievances. As a human it kind of makes you seem like a grouchy know-it-all. There's only room for one loveable, grouchy know-it-all, and unless your name is Oscar and you live in a garbage can, you are not it. Even though your review is mostly negative, I won't make a "I bet you play the tuba because you are obviously a blow hard" joke. I'm far too sophisticated. That said, it's still a fun review. Three stars.

Netflix Review: Started the move at 9:04 P.M. By 9:36 P.M. it was back in the envelope sealed to go back. Kept waiting for it to get better...never a good way to start a movie. One Star

You know what's "never a good way to start a review"? Not watching more than 30 minutes of the movie! You cannot give an accurate review without finishing the movie. You can't! CAN'T I say! YOU SHOULD GO TO JAIL FOREVER. Okay, wow. There's a slight possibility that I'm overreacting, but in my defense, there's a very real possibility that I'm under-reacting and you should in fact go to jail forever. Not jail jail, but like an inconsiderate person jail. One Star.

Netflix Review: Serviceable at best. If you are a teenager you might enjoy this film. It has attractive people, adequate acting and good singing and a plot that is predictable and likable. But, I heard how humorous this comedy is. Well, the joke's on me. There were some light moments warranting a smile but that's about it. Pitch Perfect? No. Pitch Mediocre? Yes. Two stars.

Big fan of the use of the term "serviceable at best" like you're describing a pack of damp matches or a prom date with bad breath. This review is anything but serviceable; it's amazing. I don't agree with the sentiment, but I always appreciate a great play on words. Five stars.

Netflix Review: If I were a nine year old watching this, I would be frightened of college. Like it has done for love and romance and sex, this film misidentifies people, teenagers, adults as grossly overdeveloped ids in search of satiation. College, of course, is where you pay your tuition, which is true and another story. Least no one fell off a balcony. One star

If you're casually throwing around terms like "id" and "satiation" in a Netflix review, I imagine your life is going exactly according to plan. Relax professor; it's just a movie. I'm torn. On one hand I wholeheartedly agree that a plethora of  modern movies are unrealistic, but on the other more reasonable hand, movies are fiction. I'm not writing a collegiate paper on the history of automobiles and citing Fast Five as a source. I'm really excited to read your screenplay: Man Eats Half of an Okay Sandwich and Casually Naps in the Park. Two stars.

Netflix Review: How ashamed I am to even write this. I am 37 year old man and I almost turned this movie off as soon as I turned it on. I had no idea what it was about. Seeing the sing, made me think of glee and I am just not interested, but cheslea Handler makes a funny comment, so I gave it a few more minutes. Before I was done I laughed so hard I cried 3 times and I have to agree with many others. It was just a great movie, so funny and better than 99% of the comedys that come out. The writers for this movie deserve awards. Five stars.

Other than the fact that "seeing the sing" makes absolutely no sense and that Chelsea Handler is not in this movie, this Netflix reviewer deserves awards. All of the awards. Four stars.

Netflix Review: I am a 23 years old, straight man with a beard who likes hardcore metal music. That being said, Pitch Perfect is hilarious. I laughed more during this movie than a lot of comedies. It's funny. Seriously. Five Stars

See? This is how you do it. THIS is how you review a movie, people! Five stars.

Netflix commenting community, I love you. Never change.

What did you think of Pitch Perfect? Are you as excited as I am for the epic Rebel Wilson to host the MTV Movie Awards?

Topics: Life, Celebs & Stuff
Tags: movie reviews, comedies, movies we love, pitch perfect, rebel wilson, reviewing the reviews, our favorite movies

Write your own comment!


Write your own comment!


About the Author
Josh Sorokach

Josh Sorokach is a comedy writer living in New York City. He's a former American Idol winner, three time Olympian, and habitual liar. Follow him on twitter @Joshsorokach.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

From Our Partners