When I asked my current boss and future BFF Chelsea Dagger to write a "Reviewing the Reviews" post on Pitch Perfect I was slightly worried that the Netflix commenting community would let me down. Pitch Perfect was my favorite movie of 2012, so maybe I'd be unable to find any negative reviews on Netflix. Josh, you silly, silly, beautiful-on-the-inside man, you should be concerned about a lot of things—your dopey ears, your inability to locate the Indian Ocean on a map, the fact that up until two weeks ago you thought the word "menagerie" was slang term for a fancy monkey in a suit, but you should never worry about the heroes of the Netflix commenting community disappointing you. It just won't happen.
Here are my reviews of the reviews of Pitch Perfect.
Netflix Review: I have never written a review before, but I need to warn others: My wife and I watched 20 minutes and hated every minute of it. We stopped the DVD and put in another. Young people deserve better, and so do I. One Star.
You NEED to warn others? Relax Batman; Netflix isn't Gotham City and Pitch Perfect is not the Joker. One star.
Netflix Review: I heard a lot of great reviews of this movie. However I think the genre of Glee is overdone as Psy Did you just say "Who is Psy?" Well it's nice that all those kids that were on Barney as adsolents and lipped synced to songs now have a place to work as late teens. I fear what will come next? One star.
You want to insult Pitch Perfect, Glee, and the seemingly basic rules of proper question mark usage? Fine. But do not insult my main man Psy! Not now. Not EVER. He has over a billion Youtube views. Have you ever tried to count to a billion? It's exhausting. I only got as far as 481,516 until I turned to my date and said, "You know what? You get the picture." I think she lost her phone because all of my texts have mysteriously gone unanswered. Foul play? Possibly. Bad review? Definitely. Two stars.
Netflix Review: As a musician, I'm insulted to hear a stage full of people, mostly without mics, badly lip-syncing to auto-tuned, EQed, pitch shifted and heavily sampled/overdubbed voices. That's the the technical aspect without getting into how unrealistic the characters are. That said, it's still a fun movie. Three stars.
Free tip: Don't start a sentence with the phrase, "As a musician" and then proceed with a list of petty grievances. As a human it kind of makes you seem like a grouchy know-it-all. There's only room for one loveable, grouchy know-it-all, and unless your name is Oscar and you live in a garbage can, you are not it. Even though your review is mostly negative, I won't make a "I bet you play the tuba because you are obviously a blow hard" joke. I'm far too sophisticated. That said, it's still a fun review. Three stars.
Netflix Review: Started the move at 9:04 P.M. By 9:36 P.M. it was back in the envelope sealed to go back. Kept waiting for it to get better...never a good way to start a movie. One Star
You know what's "never a good way to start a review"? Not watching more than 30 minutes of the movie! You cannot give an accurate review without finishing the movie. You can't! CAN'T I say! YOU SHOULD GO TO JAIL FOREVER. Okay, wow. There's a slight possibility that I'm overreacting, but in my defense, there's a very real possibility that I'm under-reacting and you should in fact go to jail forever. Not jail jail, but like an inconsiderate person jail. One Star.
Big fan of the use of the term "serviceable at best" like you're describing a pack of damp matches or a prom date with bad breath. This review is anything but serviceable; it's amazing. I don't agree with the sentiment, but I always appreciate a great play on words. Five stars.
Netflix Review: I am a 23 years old, straight man with a beard who likes hardcore metal music. That being said, Pitch Perfect is hilarious. I laughed more during this movie than a lot of comedies. It's funny. Seriously. Five Stars
See? This is how you do it. THIS is how you review a movie, people! Five stars.
Netflix commenting community, I love you. Never change.
What did you think of Pitch Perfect? Are you as excited as I am for the epic Rebel Wilson to host the MTV Movie Awards?