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Unhinged: An Amanda Bynes Timeline

Unhinged: An Amanda Bynes Timeline

By Sara Jonsson

splash news

Can someone please just take a second and find out what the crap is going on with Amanda Bynes? Does someone have a rich uncle who can hire a private investigator and just lock down what. is. happening. If you've been paying attention, Mandy has been acting like a loon, telling people everything is fine and to leave her alone, then acting crazy again. Everything is not fine, everything is terrible. We care about you girl, some of us have cared pretty hard since the Amanda Show in the '90s.

Today is Amanda's 27th birthday, so we decided to try to get to the bottom of her problems by putting together a timeline of her recent bouts of crazy. Behold:

Spring 2010: Acts bananas on a Farrelly brothers' project and leaves abruptly after feeling paranoid the cameras never stopped rolling on her. eewwwkaayyy.

Summer 2010: "Retires" from acting, saying that if you don't love what you do you have to stop doing it. True...we are with you here, that all sounds pretty mature, and we hope everything is okay.

A Month Later 2010: J/K! She's un-retired. J/K.

Spring 2012: Um, a lot of stuff. First she is pulled over for talking on her phone, then drives away as the cop writes the ticket. (Good idea! He'll never be able to find you again!)

Then, after stating that she does not drink booze, Amanda is seen obviously drunkenly leaving night clubs and then getting behind the wheel in full view of protesting onlookers. I'm throwing up a red flag here. RED FLAG.

April and May 2012:

-Sideswipes a cop car and is arrested for a DUI. She refuses a breathalyzer. Bad idea.

-Runs up on a curb while texting and driving. DUMB.

-A hit and run on the freeway where the other driver still manages to get her license number even though she tries that brilliant "speeding away before they can see me" trick.

Maybe she's just a terrible driver. Ya, maybe that's it. Just a string of bad luck. Except that over the rest of the year she is involved in three more accidents, one of which she again flees. Then she tweets the President of the United States and asks him to fire one of the officers who arrested her. She's also seen doing drugs and eating tacos in a Home Depot parking lot. I guess she felt safe there.

Fall 2012:

She is seen to be talking to inanimate objects. People are straight up scared for her mental health. Me too.

-Pulled over again, car impounded. STAY OUT OF CARS AMANDA.

-Locks herself in a bathroom at a bakery for two hours. Omg.

After being dropped by her agent, publicist, and lawyer, Amanda moves to New York (to work on her fashion line, I guess?) where she narrowly avoids eviction. We're officially scared now, and we haven't even gotten to her tweets.

AMANDA BYNES TWEET GEMS:

"It doesn't matter what you think about yourself. All that matters is what your lover thinks of you." -FALSE. This is backwards and false.

-"If I'm not following you on twitter, I hate you" She follows five people, so...

-"Walking with a limp"

-And a bunch, a BUNCH of raunchy booby selfies.

This is to say nothing of the fact that she is dressing like a drag queen. She's all up in the blue lipstick and yellow eye shadow, cheek piercings, which look like silver zits, an array of ratty wigs, AND the killer here, is that she's been seen hanging out in Time Square. No one who lives in New York "hangs out" in Times Square. That's for tourists. This is a sign that something is very wrong.

Amanda? I think you should go on one of those retreats to India where you just do yoga and help other people all day and there is no access to Twitter or McDonalds and you can get a little R&R and feel less scrutinized by everyone. (And by articles like this probably.) We wish you a happy birthday... and hope that you're less of a mess when you turn 28.

Topics: Celebs & Stuff
Tags: birthdays, meltdowns, celebs, amanda bynes, timelines

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About the Author
Sara Jonsson

Sara Jonsson is a Brooklyn-based writer, storyteller, and comic-book-movie lover. She can sometimes be found hosting variety shows, or writing web series about girls waiting in bathroom lines. She is from Montana and and dreams of one day interior designing ranch houses for a living.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.