What makes awesome quotes awesome is that eventually, after they’ve been countlessly regurgitated at appropriate and hilarious moments, their original context doesn’t even matter.
Truly awesome quotes will always provide templates for hilarious one-liners (until that day they’re declared, by consensus, overdone) in different contexts. Contexts in different websites and communities.
Like our very own SparkLife.
Below are some quotes that have had their meaning ripped out and SparkLife crammed in - quotes that have been SparkLified. Which is totally a verb now.
( For some ones not only sprinkled but stuffed with SparkLife, here’s a guide written by the very helpful JMKhungergamesfan!
1) “I got addicted to Sparklife the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.”
2) “You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand. You're a Spurkler.”
3) “No, when the time comes, I’m sure I’ll get my post rejected like everybody else. I can’t go down without a fight. Only I keep wishing I could think of a way to…to show the Sparkitors they don’t own me. That I’m more than just a blogger on their website.”
But you're not," I say. "None of us are. That's how posting for the main page works."
4) “I'd seen it happen, how hard it was to get out. Every year, one or two kids would visit from Facebook after a boring weekend and simply never leave. They came back, cocooned themselves in the familiar radius of Sparklife’s limits, and never broke free again. Years later, you'd see them post some new article about adorable kittens, or bam yet another Jono post. Shoulders hunched, jaw set, skin slack. And in the waning light of their eyes, the barest sensation that once upon a time, they been somewhere else... or maybe it was only a dream.”
5) “Without a filter, a user is just a spambot spamming”
6) “The sarcasm hand is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt.”
7) “You know that I’ve stolen, I’ve lied, I’ve coveted...my NBK virtue is all I have left.”
We didn't talk about anything heavy or light in the Open Thread. We were just there together. And that was enough.
9) “You always look so cool, Jenny. The woman in the cool, beautiful outfits.”
10) “Don't stop there. I suppose there are also, what, vampires and werewolves and zombies?" "ZOMG, of course there are.”
11) “Happy Friday Awards! And may the odds be ever in your favour.”
12) “All right, so give me some idea of what you can write," he says. “I can’t write anything, unless you count bad fanfiction." “Sorry, I don’t. [Other tributt]**, I already know you’re handy with those list posts,” “Not really. But I‘ve bammed,” I say. “On an Auntie Sparknotes article.”
13) “What a treacherous thing it is to believe an LW is less than a person”
14) "Until I feared I would lose it, I never loved to read Sparklife. One does not love breathing"
15) The Punishment Salmon cannot serve me properly, because I am not its true master. The Punishment Salmon belongs to the Sparkler who slapped their last victim. You slapped the last LW’s ex-boyfriend, Auntie Sparknotes. While you live, the Punishment Salmon cannot truly be mine. You've been a good and faithful agony aunt, Auntie. But I simply must slap.
16) All I was able to do was turn to the OP and tell them the only truth I truly know. I said it to the OP as I say it now to you.
***A LAST NOTE FROM JONO***
If someone who could want to be your SO asks you to have coffee, study, or any other activity: this is a date and it is always a date even if you think it’s not a date. Everything is always a date, forever.
17) I shook my head. "It’s not about having the website up.” It wasn't. Back then, it wasn't just closing the tab. It was about not opening it up again. It wasn't just the size and sensibility of this website that made in unbearable, but its pull - the weird magnetism that could sap your ambition, clip your wings, leave you inert and fascinated and sinking ever deeper into the choking quicksand of procrastination.
1“They have to have their Friampion.”
“No. They don't. Why should they?”
19) And in the RLC, the tech team battled Gary until finally, all that was lost was found again.
20) We’re not normal bloggers. We’re Sparklers, and the Sparklers are best at everything(!)
21) Bergstein's fabulous, but he's evil.
22) [reading Sparkler flamewars in the comments] Hell, no. I did not close Tumblr for this!
23) My momma always said “SparkLife was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”
24)“Chelsea Dagger... How do I begin to explain Chelsea Dagger?” “Chelsea Dagger is flawless.” “I hear her posts insured for $10,000.” “I hear she does celebrity interviews...in England.” “One time she met Chris Hemsworth for an interview...” “And she didn’t barf all over herself.” “One time she sweated all over me... it was awesome.”
(**©Chelsea Dagger, duh)
How many of these quotes can you de-SparkLify? Also, hilarious Sparkler that you undoubtedly are, please reply with other quotes you’ve put through SparkLification down in the comments!
Originally published on March 28, 2013.