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Calling All Hackers!

Calling All Hackers!

By Laura Etheredge

So, hackers, let’s discuss. What exactly are you guys doing? What’s the long-term business plan here? Breaking stuff is fully amusing, granted, and when people get incomprehensible emails about discount Canadian meds or instructions to wire money to a hard-up Nigerian billionaire, yes, you win. YOU WIN.

But honestly, why use your cryptopowers for the dark side? The government has begun holding competitions to attract the best in young cyber talent to the table. And while there are plenty of hackers suiting up to play offense for Team America, our defense is rather, well—JV. Read: YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU. On payroll. Yesterday.

The bar for competition is set extremely high, so naturally you’ll need to sharpen up. But since you’ve sworn off illdoing—we all just heard you do it!—it’ll have to be helpful (or at least harmless). A few practice tasks to warm you up for the challenge?

  • Plant your webcam feed into someone else’s computer, then give them the vaudevillian variety show they didn’t know they wanted to see!
  • Orchestrate one of these and get it on the front page of the local news. Parents being categorically opposed to comprehending memes, it will surely cause a hi-larious sensation around town.
  • Overpower the lights for a flashy-lights disco dance party. Think gym class, supermarket, Main Street, Wall Street…
  • Hack the local bake shop. Muffins for $0.01! Ha! So metal!
  • Prowl the internet, hacking away apostrophes where they don’t belong. Yes, it's a lifelong commitment to darkness and solitude, no one will know it was you, people will continue trying to mess things even as you repair them, and you definitely won’t be thanked for it—just like Batman!
  • Hack Amanda Bynes’s twitter feed. Power of good, indeed.

What would you do if you had the skills of a hacker?

Topics: Life, The Internets
Tags: funny things, hackers, current events, hacking

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