Chiffon is dumb. Taffeta is stupid. And are you really thinking about wearing flowers? Wearing?! Flowers!?!? Think about how that sounds, Einstein: “Hey, I think I’ll wear some zucchini on my lapel to that dog wedding I’m going to!”
And yeah, I’m invited to a dog wedding. Next month. In Cabo. Jealous?
But enough about how awesome I am and how amazing you aren’t, I’m here to help you figure out the latest in Prom trends for this year. Pay attention. Otherwise you’ll look awful. Here are some PROM DOs:
Unstuffed Stuffed Animals: Nothing says “I’m a self motivated go-getter” like a completely eviscerated mini-teddy bear holding a heart from last Valentine’s Day. “How do I wear it,” you ask? Lord, do I have to tell you how to do everything? Apparently I do. I don’t know… on your head? As a bracelet? Gentlemen, you can bunch it up and wear it as a pocket square. Or just carry it in your mouth.
Bones: I mean, duh. This one’s a no brainer but I feel like I need to cater to the lowest common denominator here, so: bones. Do it. Lots of them. And everywhere. This year the hot bone to bring to prom is the beef short rib, although the classic rib eye bone never goes out of style. And if you show up stag with a piece of rawhide and try to pass it off as a metatarsal, there’s no need to wonder why you don’t have a date.
Garbage: Garbage is super hot this year, and you’ll be the talk of every Prom after party if you have some. Now, before you start digging through wet coffee grinds and banana peels, please understand that there is awesome garbage, and there is garbage garbage. And I am talking here today about the primo, grade A, 100 percent pure, top shelf stuff. This is prom! Don’t skimp on trash, of all things. Have ten or twelve of your beastie besties come over after the dance and just go all out. Popsicle wrappers, aluminum foil with burnt cheese, old latte cups… Do it up, girl! It’s prom up in herrr!
Fur: Unless you want me to wear my fashionable human being coat to Homecoming next year, skip the pelt.
Rubber Chew Toy Accessories: These are just frustrating. Is it a bone or is it a doorstop? Don’t try to be slick and get one of those Kongs and put peanut butter in the middle either. I’m not buying it, and I’m certainly not wearing it to prom.
Packing Bubbles: Sure, it can make a great skirt or wrap dress, but every time you sit down, I will bark at you. Loud, long, and shrill. So if you’re cool with that, go ahead and wear it.
Kitten Heels: Just the name makes me want to punch and kick.
Rouching: Bunched fabric is over. This year is all about geometric, asymmetrical, clean lines and unfussy draping. Also, rouching reminds me of poop.
Do you agree with Sparky's prom Dos and Don'ts? (It's in your best interest to say Yes.)