Music You Should Stop Listening To NOW
What is up with you humans and music? The musical "geniuses" of the world have yet to produce a song about my furry, awe-inspiring self, so I really don't see what the fuss is about. Buuuut I will admit, some songs are worse than others, not that you have the delicate senses to know the difference. Lucky for you, I've been magnanimous and made this list of songs you should delete from your library RIGHT NOW.
- "Everybody Wants to Be a Cat" This song is just plain false. Everyone does NOT want to be a cat.
- "Chelsea Dagger" by the Fratellis. Need I explain? (Okay fine I WILL: SHE'S MY ENEMY, Y'ALL.)
- Anything from Cats (the musical). Look, it's not like this musical is any good, right?
- "Moves Like Jagger" Moves like Jagger? MOVES LIKE JAGGER?! Jagger stole his moves from me!
- "How Much Is That Doggy in the Window?" This song is just demeaning. No dog should stoop to this level. How would you like it if I wrote a song called "How Much is that Fur-less Pink Ape-Creature in the Starbucks?"
- The Meow Mix Theme Song. "Meow" is such a lyrically lacking sound. "Woof" would be much better, amiright? Of course I am.
- "The Kitty Cat Dance" This song just makes me want to barf all over Emily's shiny computer.
- Anything by Taylor Swift. Sure, TayTay can write songs about every guy she's ever dated for two seconds, but can she ever write a song about her faithful pooch? Nooooo. Until that day comes, her music is taboo.
- "You Raise Me Up" The only way this song could be good is if you imagine it was written about me, mmkay?
- "Titanium" Is this song about me? No? 'Nuf said.
Now, you're probably wracking your silly, non-canine minds for music that is acceptable now that I've banned your favorite tunes. But I am a benevolent (and rakishly handsome) dictator, so I've come up with a solution:
1. Stare at my picture until you feel inspired to write a song about me. Then listen to that.