Harry Potter Sucks. The Only Good Book Is a Book About Sparky.
Look—I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here. I'm going to assume you landed on this sucky web page only because you made the logical conclusion that a site called "Spark-Life" would be a comprehensive chronicle of the life and times of Me, Sparky.
You've all been duped.
This is a website that, primarily, from what I can tell in my limited understanding of BORING, STUPID THINGS, is just about books.
Ugly, heavy, inedible books. I can barely type the word without barfing yellow all over Emily's keyboard.
What is the point of books? Where did they come from? How do we get rid of them all forever? These are questions many great thinkers have asked throughout history, but their answers remain lost, as they refused to write them down. Because they had INTEGRITY.
Books are the worst. There's no denying it. They don't come when you call. They are no fun to play belly-scratchers with. And they will only use their evil, manipulative words to distract you from the TRULY IMPORTANT things in life, like Sparky.
At best, every "classic" book you people have ever written explains in 198,000 words what I could've told you with one perfect pink glimpse of my oh-so-scratchable tummy. Don't know what that is? Don't worry. I'll help.
Here are three ACTUAL synopses of the MOST FAMOUS books you people have EVER created in all 15 years and/or minutes of human history (hey—I'm not so good with time, because I live life to the FULLEST. Also, I am a DOG.)
See if you can find the secret, common theme behind ALL LITERATURE:
- Two dumb teenagers kiss each other and die, because they don't have dogs. —Romeo and Juliet
- An old dumb jerk shoots a dog with a rifle. America is condemned to centuries of racism. —To Kill a Mockingbird
- A dumb kid with stupid glasses becomes addicted to magic and dies, because he NEVER OWNED A F*****G DOG. —Harry Potter
The message should be obvious even to you standing-up tickle bags now: Have a dog, or RUIN EVERYTHING.
I didn't think so.
Now, because I am great, and your minds are obviously perverted beyond saving from a lifetime of reading BOOKS, I'm going to break this down for you EVEN FURTHER. Here is Sparky's Simple, 3-Step Program to a Worthwhile, Dog-tastic Life®:
Have a dog?
- Good. Sell all your books.
- Use the money to buy as many squeaky giraffes, elephant ear treats, and conditioning hair-care products for your dog as you possibly can.
- If after all this you still feel incomplete, sell all your clothes, DVDs, pencil cases, siblings, and other non-dog-related products, and trade them for dog-related products using money.
Don't have a dog?
- Sell all your books.
- Buy a dog.
- That's it.
Seriously. This is simple stuff, people, and you've only got your own precious books to blame. You should be ashamed I even had to tell you this.
Bad, humans. Very, bad, humans.
Got something to say? Say it, dweebs.