You may think that a small, unbelievably adorable dog such as myself could not possibly be well-versed in the art of cinema.
You would be wrong. Dead wrong. Don't make the mistake of doubting me again, or you'll join the Sparkitors in that Toshiba factory, where I'm sure they're rapidly running out of snack cakes and will soon resort to eating Josh Perilo.
ANYPOOP, here's my list of movies you should never, ever watch, and also some movies you should watch on repeat every single day in the hopes that your tiny human brains will absorb some of their greatness.
THE WORST OF THE WORST:
1. Old Yeller: CURSE YOU, RABIES, YOU CRUEL, CRUEL MASTER OF DEATH. OLD YELLER WAS THE BEST OF US ALL.
2. Marley and Me: Oh god, here come the tears. I promised myself I wouldn't cry. BE A MAN, SPARKY. DON'T LET THE WORLD SEE YOUR SOFT WHITE UNDERBELLY. *sobs quietly into his paws*
3. Beverly Hills Chihuahua: To the dogs who starred in this "film:" you are a disgrace unto your species. I spit on this entire production.
4. I Am Legend. I won't spoil it for you, but THE DOG DIES. For shame, Will Smith. For shame.
5. Valentine's Day. I cannot even type about this abomination without my gag reflex kicking in. I believed in you, Taylor Lautner, and THIS is how you repay me?
WATCH THESE IMMEDIATELY
1. Homeward Bound: An incomparable masterpiece. Shadow taught me everything I know about loyalty, love, courage, and the safe removal of porcupine needles from the nose of a dear friend. It both shocks and saddens me that this film failed to win even ONE Oscar.
2. All Dogs Go to Heaven: Charlie B. Barkin: a gentleman, a scholar, and a handsome son-of-a-gun. Remind you of anyone? (ME. HE REMINDS YOU OF ME.)
3. Beethoven (but not Beethoven sequels I-XI, as they were absurd and very nearly destroyed the proud and noble Beethoven legacy.)
4. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Padfoot is one baddddddd dog, ya dig?
5. The Sound of Music. I like the part when incorrigible Kurt eats all the blueberries, and I enjoy the lively musical numbers. So sue me.
Do you agree with my movie choices? Do you have any recommendations for me? THINK VERY CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU ANSWER. I DO NOT SUFFER FOOLS LIGHTLY.