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7 Signs You're Addicted To Shoes

7 Signs You're Addicted To Shoes

By Ashley Brooke Roberts

Hellooooo shoes! Footwear: one of life's most treasured pleasures. Ever since we first saw Dorothy's ruby slippers we knew shoes could be so much more than boring hats for our bottom half. Mainly, they could be practical, magical, and sometimes void-filling feet candy. So once you found your fix, how do you stop? Is there a support group? (We think the answer to this is yes, but hopefully you haven't gotten to that point.) Do you need an intervention? Rehab? The first step, like most addictions, is recognition. Saying those magical words "Hi my name is ______ and I am a shoe-holic." So how do you know? Well luckily we've whipped up a quick list of surefire signs you're addicted to shoes. Feel free to thank us later or let us borrow those limited edition gold Tory Burch flats. Size nine anyone?

1. "What are you looking at?" Has this happened to you? You're in the middle of a perfect shoe staring session and all of a sudden your "friend" demands to know if you've been "listening" to her this whole "time." Chances are, if you're having trouble keeping up a convo because you're too busy deciding if those are knock-offs or the real thing, you've got a shoe problem.

2. "Are you going to finish that?" Sure Alison just took the first bite of her turkey sandwich her mom packed for her BUT IS SHE GOING TO FINISH IT? Can she let you know already? If she's not going to share it with you, she needs to tell you now so you can move to another table and start the necessary conversation groundwork for a meal-share. I mean, how else are you going to get those new Jimmy Choos if you don't save your lunch money?

3. "These are for Mondays, these are for Tuesdays, these are my Wednesday shoes, etc." Honey bun, if you've got enough shoes to treat them like underwear, you're addicted.

4. "It's like, they understand me more than my friends, you know?" We've never said this, but we are sure someone has, and we hope they went to shoe rehab.

5. "Here's my family at Disneyland, here I am at my eighth-grade graduation, and here are my first pair of heels." Do you have a framed pic of your favorite pair of shoes? You've got a problem.

6. "Can't. Hang. Out. Must. Go. Shopping." This should go without saying, but if you're avoiding a social life in order to be up-to-date on shoe styles, you're addicted.

7. "I want to keep them for the memories." Oh, this is a toughie. There comes a day in every pair of shoes life when they are just simply worn out. The sides have been stretched, the soles have been worn down, and even though your feet have never ever ever ever smelled bad, the shoes have an unmistakable "time to throw me away" odor. Sigh. "But what about all the good times! What about that crazy Summer night where I wore them to that party and they went perfectly with that dress and all of that fun/good/exciting stuff happened? Can't I just keep them to remember that night?" No, my dear, they've got to go. Sure, they may seem like living memory-capsules, but in reality they are just stinky worn out shoes that need to be tossed. We say, throw them out! And make way for some new ones!

So, are you addicted to shoes?

Topics: Fashion
Tags: fashion, shoes, lists, addictions

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About the Author
Ashley Brooke Roberts

Ashley Brooke Roberts is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor living in Brooklyn. She's a performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and can usually be found smiling at random dogs on the street. Follow her on twitter at @AshleyBRoberts.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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