7 Steps to Total Crush Domination
Take off your invisible hats, you guys—it's time to be seen by your crush! Your glasses/freckles/eyes/jokes are way too great to be curled up in a windowseat, staring at the rain. You know far too many cool facts about Doctor Who to hide your light under a bushel basket.
Don’t get us wrong—sometimes simply pining over your crush is the whole point; that’s what makes it fun. Although if you insist on being all moony, may we suggest you really sell it? Ya know, tie on a corset, start penning florid poetry, and extend your hand toward your crush ever-so-desperately every time he crosses your path! BUT, if that idea of commitment (and we mean “dying of consumption with your crush’s name as your last breath” kinda commitment) scares you more than the idea of actually attempting to date this person, then onto Plan A!
Step 1: Say hi.
The first step is always the hardest, but remember…you can’t date, marry and have a fulfilling life of equal domestic partnership with each other until you actually make your presence known. Saying “Hey, Robin” as you pass her in the hallway is about as breezy as things can get. Don’t look back. Just casually drop the hello and keep going. Using her name is kind of necessary—because unless you’re ready for hard eye contact, you want to make sure she knows you’re addressing her. We suggest the universal “Hi” or “Hey” for this step, but if you feel impelled to get fancy and toss in a “Buenos dias” or a “Salutations” or a “Good ‘morrow"—in which case, let your freak flag fly.
Step 2: Find out things you guys have in common.
It’s so easy to idealize a person because you really like his face. And if you’re really motivated, you might even be able to fabricate an entire personality that’s perfectly compatible with yours based on the one fact you know about him (he carries around a battered copy of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy=soulmates!) While this is fun, it’s not entirely recommended. You should figure out if this guy is worthy of your rapier-like wit and charm. Do some sleuthing. Casually stalk him on Facebook. Check his Twitter feed. You can learn a lot about a person just by being observant. And what if you find his role model is Charlie Sheen? Maybe just go back to liking his face, silently. From afar. Unless you agree with the Charlie Sheen thing, then by all means … proceed.
Step 3: Ask yourself if you’re friendly with any of his or her pals.
In the hallways or the cafeteria, the social circles seem impenetrable, but that’s what class is for! It brings the masses together. For example, you know that guy you sit next to in Chem? The dude with whom you trade hilarious one-liners about your teacher? Could he possibly play basketball or Magic: The Gathering with crush boy? If so, then next time they’re all grouped up, you at least have a tiny in. Obvs this isn’t about using someone to get close to someone else. Let’s think of this as a potential way to make approaching your crush a little less scary. If you have a friendly face in common, hone in on that.
Step 4: Run into the person.
Pining is a solitary activity, so in order to stop doing it, you have to actually put yourself in the path of your crush. Can’t have a meet-cute without the “meet,” ya’ll. So go on, get in the game.
(It goes without mentioning—but just in case—“run into the person” is not: physically following him, lurking, being in the same room and just staring, hiding in a tree outside her house—anything that needs more than a hearty “oh, what a coincidence!” to explain and/or could be considered a crime is out.)
Step 5: Hold at least one conversation that’s longer than a hello.
OMG she’s staring at me. OMG she said something to me? What just happened? Her hair is so nice. Um, what? What did she SAY?! How’s my breath? Can she tell how sweaty I feel? I should have listened! She stopped talking now I have to talk!
So your brain might feel like this on repeat, but just remember that your crush is a person, too. And even if you literally know nothing about her, there are a few universal things you guys can chat about: weekends, school, and that one person you hopefully have in common.
So, bear down. Take a deep breath. You are awesome and so many people in your life love the things you say. Why shouldn’t she? Non-creepy conversation points:
- “How was your weekend?” (if it’s Monday or Tuesday)
- “Doing anything fun this weekend?” (if it’s Thursday or Friday)
- “Who do you have for History? I’m trying to figure out what the assignment is.”
- “You’re friends with Dave, right? Have you seen his impression of Mr. Sheehan? So good.”
Step 6: Be interested in his life. Listen. Remember.
Ideally, all humans do this whilst speaking with other humans but you know, things happen. We get distracted. Phones go off. That new T-Swiz song won’t leave our heads. Sometimes it’s hard to give someone your undivided attention. But! Think about it. What sets your heart a-flutter? The fact someone remembers something seemingly insignificant that you mentioned like once, right? Right. And the good news is, if you really like a person, your brain will do this naturally. You’ll automatically log what makes them happy/sad, or what they love/hate, or their strong feelings for/against Charlie Sheen. When you find yourself thinking “Oh, this is the song Andy mentioned liking,” then you’re perfectly set up to accomplish the last step …
Step 7: Cultivate inside jokes.
Ok, so remember that thought you had from the last step (“Oh, this is the song Danny mentioned liking”)? IF you HAPPEN to come across a YouTube version of the song being sung by 4-year-old twins, danced to by a room full of grandmas or accompanying a montage of bicycle tricks? Feel free to mention it. Tweet at him. Chances are, he'll think it's hilarious, and you'll have one more thing to talk about/bond over.
You are now ready to win your crush's heart. Go forth and charm his (figurative) pants off!