The only thing airier, cushier, and more comforting than an inner-tube filled with friendly bunnies is SWEATPANTS. They’re what sleepovers are made of. You can cry on them, in them, and at them. If you do you hair up nice and have good shoes on, you can even wear them to sit-down restaurants. Sweatpants. I get it. I’m with you.
But like all good things, we must sweatpant in moderation. And when it feels so right, its hard to know if you’re doing wrong. Here’s a simple quiz to help you determine if you’re wearing sweatpants just a little too often—and how to start to find that jersey-knit middle ground.
Which makes for a better buzz:
a) Finding $20 on the ground and no owner in sight in spite of a genuine search
b) The kitten-tummy-soft lining of brand-new, unwashed sweatpants
True or false: The only thing better than sweatpants are skirts, because you can wear sweatpants under them.
True or false: You have small perma-ridges embedded around your midsection.
b) I can’t tell, the waistband of my sweatpants is in the way
Rank the following:
a) Denim; death
b) Death; denim
Under what circumstances are sweatpants inappropriate?
a) Most (if not all) circumstances
b) Weddings and funerals (your own)
When you hear “summer” you think:
b) “Cutoffs! —Sweatpant cutoffs! I will cut my sweatpants shorter to accommodate the warmth of the air!”
True or false: 360-degree range of motion is important to you.
a) What do you mean, exactly?
b) Oh TRUE
What’s your stance on pockets?
a) That’s what pants are for
b) That’s what hoodies are for
You weren’t thinking about sweatpants till we asked, but now that you mention it, sweatpants are awesome. That said, they don’t rule your life—you don’t feel a heart-wrenching melancholy at first wash, and you don’t lose your mind over them or refuse to go places that don’t accommodate them. Middle of the road, friend. Good work.
YOU WEAR SWEATPANTS TOO MUCH. You’re probably wearing them at this very moment, and you can see an additional pair in your line of vision. Friendly tip: you may wish to think about expressing yourself via structured fabrics. For ultra-give, though, there are other options: Ladies, allow me to introduce you to LEGGINGS and TIGHTS. Gentlemen, let’s get you some tearaway track pants as a transitional measure and reassess in 6-8 weeks.
Are you a sweatpants ADDICT in need of a sweatpants INTERVENTION?