Multiple choice tests are simultaneously the best and worst thing ever. They're like double-fudge brownies, beagle puppies, and having a really good hair day, but they're also like buffering YouTube videos, crumbs in the butter, and getting pooped on by a really smug pigeon. They're awesome, but they suck.
Why? Well, if you know the material, they're easy. Even if you don't know the material, you at least have a chance of choosing correctly instead of trying to stumble upon the right answer in essay or short-answer format. But the downside is that multiple choice tests are a brutal form of mental torture. They will give you a psychological butt-kicking and leave you cowering among the remains of what used to be your sanity. We all know it. We've all been there. So let us commiserate with a handful of thoughts that may go through your horror-addled mind every time someone presents you with options A, B, C, or D:
1. This question is the brainchild of evil.
2. All of the above? ALL OF THE ABOVE?
3. None of the above? Why even would you?
4. "All of the above" AND "none of the above"?! On the one hand, I'm sorry for whatever happened to you that made you feel the need to do this. On the other, I THINK YOU'RE A SOCIOPATH AND I'LL BE LEAVING POSTHASTE.
5. I'm beginning to think I'm just one of those people that is unfit to make decisions. If it's all right with everyone here, I'm going to refrain from doing so for the rest of my life.
6. How much time is left? How much time have I wasted? Is it too late for me? Should I just cram the scantron in my mouth and see where it goes from there?
7. Well, I haven't chosen B in a while...
8. THE ANSWERS ARE ALL LINING UP. FOUR As IN A ROW. THAT'S TOO MANY As. ABORT.
9. Great. Now there's a pattern—A, B, C, D—which will probably OPEN A PORTAL TO HELL RIGHT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS CLASSROOM.
9. I wonder what life was like before I started doing this.
10. I wonder what life will be like after. Will there be rainbows and daisies and and colors I've never seen before? Or will I find I'm trapped in a hellish nightmare from which I will never awaken, and in which everyone poses questions in multiple choice format? Will the Starbucks barista say, "Do you want your drink a) short, b) tall, c) grande, d), venti, or e) none of the above?" Is this my new reality?
11. I said C before, but now I'm thinking it's A, but now I'm thinking it actually was C, and now I'm thinking my brain is collapsing in on itself and it would probably be a good idea to just scribble all over the scantron like the lawless dissident that I am.
12. My pencil is too dark and the eraser too smeary, and now the answer machine is going to mark this as incorrect and my ambitions will be nothing but dust in the wind.
13. Is this even a #2 pencil? Oh my God.
14. Did I color it in all the way? I know that's important because it's been drilled into my head since the tender young age of OH, OH GOD, I WENT OUTSIDE THE BUBBLE.
15. I'm going to skip this one for now.
16. I've skipped the last twenty-nine questions.
17. I'm just going to snap my pencil in half dramatically, storm out, and see who follows.
18. I no longer know who I am.
19. Time's running out, so these final ten answers will be the product of last-minute desperation and an overarching inability to feel the things I used to feel.
20. Hm. It seems I skipped a question on the test but not on the answer sheet, so none of the answers line up. So I'm just going to go right ahead and sob, cackle, cause a minor disturbance, jump out the window, and ultimately fade from the public eye.
Well, there you have it! And if this didn't make you curl up into the fetal position and rock back and forth whimpering, you probably haven't taken a multiple choice test in a while. But don't worry, it's coming. The end of every day just means you're another day closer to your next multiple choice test. The time is drawing near.
What goes through your mind during a multiple choice test? We think Elodie pretty much covered all the bases, but we want to plumb the depths of your insanity to find out if there's MORE.