Justin “Jubiebies” Bieber (anyone else call him that?) collapsed on stage in London’s O2 Arena this week. His manager had to get on stage and tell everyone that he had been experiencing “very light breath.” Bieber eventually came back out and finished the concert before going to the hospital, but this whole thing sounds a little fishy to me. I understand how these big celebrity types are, and this was no “light breath” situation. I’ve been formulating some theories, and I think the real reason Jubiebies collapsed is something far more interesting, like…
-Small, extremely localized earthquake.
-Forgot he was wearing roller skates on stage. (Or Heelys. Does anyone still wear those?)
-Malfunctioning walking software. (He’s a robot! Admit it!)
-He secretly donated his leg bones to charity.
-Slight smiting from God. Not a full-fledged smite, but a warning smite. You can’t have that haircut for too long without inciting a little bit of wrath.
-Heavy breath. Why would light breath make you fall? It should theoretically make you more buoyant, hence, immune to collapsing. Fella must’ve just had some super heavy breath.
-Second shooter from the grassy knoll.
-For a brief moment, he understood the crushing weight of fame.
-Occasional side effect of being Canadian.
-Momentarily “too cool” for breathing.
-Rare moment of personal insight.
-Lightheaded (due to unusual lack of mass in head).
-Still adjusting to this planet’s gravity. (He’s an alien! Admit it!)
-His body achieved a small moment of victory in rebelling against itself. “Ah ha! We did it! Just try and force us to sing that ‘Baby’ song one more time!”
-Ghosts? No real explanation beyond that, but come on: ghosts. Like, a ghost could’ve shoved him or something. “But we would’ve been able to see that!” Not if a ghost did it. Ghosts are invisible. Come on, that’s Ghost 101.
-Light breath. I’m not saying “very light breath,” that was obviously an exaggeration, but sometimes your breath gets a little light. It happens.
On a side note: has anyone else ever heard the words “light breath” before in their lives? Lightheaded? Out of breath? Sure. But light breath? I swear they just made that up. Why do you think he collapsed?
Why do you think The Biebs hit the floor?