Fun fact of the day week month occasional period of time:
I am currently sitting alone in a dark room giggling to myself. I don’t even feel ashamed.
Here's the link to the previous post, though it really isn't related. (However, you can find out the name of my pet rock, if that's your kind of thing.)
1) How to lie
You shouldn’t lie, unless the consequences of not doing so threaten your very existence. (Like when someone asks you if you ate the entire tube of Pringles and you say you didn’t, but YOU REALLY DID. Rebel.) Here’s how to do it.
A) Try not to laugh. Avoid:
“No of course I did not *giggle* eat the entire *giggle* tube. Why would I *giggle* ever do su- … sorry I can’t do this. I’m gonna go outside and laugh for a bit while you continue to believe me.”
“No of course I did not eat the entire tube. I would have disappointed myself and my body weight. By the way I find this situation unfunny in every way.
B) Keep your lie simple. Overcomplicating it will give it away. Avoid:
“Come quickly! The Pringles tube, which was to my knowledge full before this disastrous event, has been abducted by aliens! Luckily while it was being abducted I managed to hang onto the tube and was pulled upwards through the sky into an alien spaceship like that one from Independence Day. There I was greeted by a disgusting creature which I won’t describe. No, not because I’m not creative enough, but because I was TEMPORARILY BLINDED by the alien’s flashing eyes. The alien, who conveniently spoke good English, then shook my hand and thanked me for the tasty treat. His name was Ted; he had a name badge. I was then beamed back down to Earth, Pringles – less!
“The dog did it.”
C) Also avoid the following:
- Darting your eyes around the room
- Breaking into an uncontrollable sweat
- Attempting to kill the witness
- Having your arms tightly folded (a sign you are not being open with people)
- Bursting into tears
- Eating another tube of Pringles in front of them
2) How to buy a birthday present.
Sometimes, people have birthdays. This is bad enough as it is. I mean, gosh, I have to feel happy for other people? What is this cruel world we live in?
AND we have to buy them presents. Here’s how to do it, because this is a difficult task.
A) Don’t give people money. This is basically you just saying you don’t care about them enough to actually spend time shopping, in glorious paper form. I usually only buy shop gift-cards if that particular shop is nearing bankruptcy and I want to help the shop stay in business. However be sure to warn your friend/relative/pen-pal/101 Dalmatians that the voucher may be unusable soon.
B) Find out what this person enjoys. If they enjoy reading, buy them a book. If they enjoy sitting in a corner crying, buy them a box of tissues. If they like cacti, consider buying them a small cactus. I have a cactus. It is very small. His name is Dave. He is a very friendly cactus.
C) If this person has previously bought you a gift, stick to the same sort of price range. If they bought you a pair of socks with a cartoon turtle on them and you buy them a diamond sapphire ruby encrusted watch with built in internet access, GPS, spork and can stop and start the flow of time at will, then you may be overshooting it a little bit. (Or maybe not, because turtles are awesome.)
3) How to survive the zombie apocalypse
When the inevitable zombie apocalypse finally occurs and we discover which film portrayed the most realistic zombies, you will need to know exactly what to do. There will be no time for tears and no time for a zombie movie marathon for research purposes. You will need to transform into a zombie- killing machine. (Also, don’t worry about Dave the Friendly Cactus, he can handle himself. He’s pretty bad-ass.)
A) Obviously, the golden rule: don’t get bitten. If you do, don’t stretch out your death and risk the lives of others – get nice Mrs Cook two doors down to chop you up with an axe.
B) Note any suspicious behaviour. Before gathering equipment, you must realise that the apocalypse has begun. If you see someone limping down the street mumbling about brains assume this is NOT a friendly protest/mating call but instead a ZOMBIE. *insert dramatic music*
C) You will need to establish a hideout, preferably away from busy urban areas. Swimming may be an effective form of escape from a city as zombies cannot swim without their limbs falling off. Try and avoid escaping in a car unless you want to get stuck in the most intense traffic jam ever.
D) Consider stopping at a supermarket first to pick up tinned food, long sleeved jumpers and, well, you might as well take anything you want.
E) You’ll need a weapon and defence. If you happen to have a diamond sapphire ruby encrusted watch with built in internet access, GPS, spork and can stop and start the flow of time at will, then you’re sorted because sporks are great weapons. Also, go into a museum and try and find a head to toe suit of armour. You’ll be like Iron Man, but less awesome and more sweaty.
And if all else fails, just do the Thriller Dance.
4) How not to propose
Since this is a guide aimed at teenagers around my age, you probably shouldn’t be asking anyone to marry you just yet. (Males, you’ll probably do it eventually. Females, you never know.) But here are some situations to avoid, when your time comes.
A) Proposing with a half-eaten onion ring.
B) Hiding the ring in their food. You know, the same food they’re putting in their mouth.
C) Proposing on the first date.
D) Over Facebook. Come on guys. We’re better than that.
E) At their grandmother’s funeral.
F) Trying to sum up your endless love for your partner in 140 characters or less in a tweet.
5) How to use the internet
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. You’re currently reading this online therefore a guide to the internet is unnecessary. Well, whatever. Give this list to your grandmother or something.
A) To access the magical, cherry flavoured world of the interwebs you must first purchase a computer. (Flavour undefined.) A computer is like a TV/telly/telly-vision/that-black-box-over-there except it is usually smaller, has fewer buttons, and has less furniture facing it. HOWEVER the monitor is not strictly the computer and will be useful only as a poor quality mirror without the tower computer which is compulsory for your access of the internetal region.
Next on your tech list is a keyboard. These are slabs of material with small ‘chips’ (or keys) stuck onto the keyboard as if by magic. And these keys have letters/numbers/etc. printed on them! What is this sorcery!?! You also need a mouse. A mechanical mouse, not one your cat has just offered to you as a reminder of his hunting abilities. AND if this wasn’t already enough you need to set up a modem and link up with an ISP. If you are an elderly person, ask your techno-savvy grandson how to do this. If you are a young person with notechnological relatives, just Google it. Oh, wait…
B) Now, pick an Internet browser. Okay, stop looking. Pick Google Chrome.
C) You can use this magical browser to access Google. Type any question into the search box and the nice people on the other end (probably leprechauns) will answer SUPER fast. Or, something like that.
D) You are now an Internet genius. (Place hand on computer screen for cyber high five.)
6) How to be socially awesome
I HAVE NO IDEA
7) Extend your vocabulary with these words I just made up!
Moogie – A dream which you think is real until you wake up.
Example – Oh, that was totally just a moogie. How disappointing.
Okoboca – The strange feeling you get when a cactus starts talking to you. Then you realise it’s just Dave. He’s very friendly.
Example – Oh Dave, you just made me feel very okoboca.
Blookie – a sneeze which abandons you before it is fully formed.
Example- Oh dear. CODE RED CODE RED EVERYBODY STAND BACK, I’M ABOUT TO SNEEZE…… oh, it was just a blookie.
Flummock – the feeling you get when you finish reading this post, realise you enjoyed it and decide to comment and leave a heart.
(This post was meant to have a nice picture of Dave the Cactus, but it isn't uploading for some reason. )
Originally published on March 3, 2013.