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Why I Won't Be Seeing Oz: The Great And Powerful

Why I Won't Be Seeing Oz: The Great And Powerful

By Dan_Bergstein

Are you going to see Oz: The Great and Powerful this weekend? Cool. I’ll stay back and make sure your oven isn’t on and no one robs your house. I’ll also take care of your dog. And I’ll feed your fish—but not too much, I promise! I don’t mind. In fact, I’d much rather stay home than see Oz: The Great and Powerful.

I’m sure Oz: The Great and Powerful is a fine, adequate movie. Many of you will enjoy the 3D fantasy fun. You will walk out of the theater laughing and saying, “Dan was so wrong.” That’s cool. I might be wrong. But I still won’t be seeing Oz: The Great and Powerful.

I enjoy a good fantasy film. I thought The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was a lot of fun, even if some critics felt it was too long. I also admire the work of Oz’s director Sam Raimi. His first Spider-Man movie was pretty good and Spider-Man 2 was even better! And I love his series of unapologetic, gory, funny, over-the-top horror movies. He can bring a kinetic energy to a movie like no one else.

But I won’t be seeing Oz: The Great and Powerful.

James Franco is a hell of an actor. He’s doofy during interviews, but I cannot deny his ability to become a complete character in movies like 127 Hours and Howl. So his presence in the film is not preventing me from seeing Oz: The Great and Powerful.

The actresses are also spectacular. Mila Kunis? Rachel Weisz? Michelle Williams? Those women are as talented as they as beautiful and they will add much to the story of Oz.

But I won’t be seeing Oz: The Great and Powerful.

If you’ve read this far, you probably expect some sort of joke soon. Maybe you think I’ll say, “Just kidding! I already bought my tickets! Oz! Oz! Oz!”

Nope. Not kidding. I will not be seeing Oz: The Great and Powerful.

Why?

BECAUSE IT LOOKS AWFUL!

It looks stupid! Judging by the trailers, this movie is exactly what’s wrong with all awful modern fantasy movies!

You can probably figure out the entire plot just from the trailers alone. The visual effects look worse than what my Xbox can produce and my Xbox is six years old and cranky! And was ANYONE curious how The Wizard of Oz came to Oz? Who’s been clamoring for that tale? I’d much rather see the gruesome backstory of the Tin Man brought to life on screen. That dude was once just a regular human who chopped off all his limbs thanks to a curse and then replaced them with metal. Now that's a movie!

And what about Dorothy? How are they going to explain that? In the classic Wizard of Oz movie, Dorothy wakes up at the end (spoiler alert) and isn’t sure if what she experienced was a dream while saying, “And you were there...and you were there...” as she looks at her farm friends.

That’s interesting! It leaves everything open to interpretation.

But now? No Dorothy? So...she wasn’t dreaming? Oz is real? And everyone she met looked like her farm friends because...um...chromosomes? And if it wasn't a dream, did she just plop down in front of her aunt and uncle after clicking her heels? Why didn't they tell her, "Dude! You were gone and then suddenly you plopped down in front of us...from nowhere!"?

I know. I know. There is an entire series of Oz books and this new Franco movie perhaps draws on those stories instead of the movie musical. Fair enough.

The point is, this movie looks dumb. I was once fooled into thinking Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland was going to be great. It wasn’t. It was awful. It was sad, uninspired dreck that made Tim Burton and Disney gallons of money. Alice in Wonderland fooled me once. Oz: The Great and Powerful will not fool me again.

I also will not be seeing Jack, The Giant Slayer or Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. And I didn’t see Red Riding Hood, or Beastly, or any of those other fairy tale flicks.

I will be saving all my money until Hollywood (or maybe some independent movie company) makes a fantasy movie that’s actually, ya know, interesting.

So that is why I will not be seeing Oz: The Great and Powerful.

And if you’re hungry for a unique modern fantasy movie, I highly recommend Beasts of the Southern Wild. It’s not in 3D, there is no forced love story, and it’s not based on a popular fairy tale or YA novel. But perhaps those are all things in its favor.

Now, where do you keep the fish food and can I have an ice pop from the freezer while you're gone?

Poll Question

Do you want to see Oz: The Great and Powerful this weekend?

Topics: Celebs & Stuff
Tags: annoying things, movies, dan bergstein, hollywood, the wizard of oz, complaints

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