Why March is the Worst Month
March is a horrible, awful month filled with confusing weather and boring days. Even if your birthday is in March, you must admit that the other 30 days of the month feel like standing in a long tedious line at the Spring office, where we all just want to buy and eat some Springtime. If you needed more reasons to frown and punch your calendar, keep reading. Here's why March is the worst month...
You never know what to wear.
Do you wear jackets and heavy sweater? Can you get by with just a T-shirt and a warm coat? If you wear a coat, what will you do once the sweat starts to pour? Do you need gloves? Do you need shorts? What kind of hat should you wear? Is it too windy for a cape? Is it going to rain? Snow? Will it be dangerously dry? Do you need sunscreen? What about footwear? Boots? Flats? Sandals? Roller skates? March is like the wishy-washy friend who, when you ask a question, she gives you a vague, unhelpful answer.
YOU: What should I wear?
MARCH: Oh, I don’t know.
YOU: Do you want to watch a movie?
MARCH: Whatever. I don’t really care.
YOU: What movie do you want to watch?
MARCH: It doesn’t matter. Just pick one.
YOU: How about Finding Nemo?
MARCH: Nah. I just saw that.
YOU: Um...Pitch Perfect?
MARCH: Not really in the mood for singing.
YOU: How about a Harry Potter movie?
YOU: Or Star Wars?
YOU: So you don’t want to watch a movie?
MARCH: If you want to watch a movie, that’s fine.
YOU: What movie should we watch?!
YOU: Hmm...The Avengers?
YOU: Mean Girls?
YOU: Argh! Pick a movie or go home and don’t be my friend anymore.
There will never be an Olympics in March
March is too late for the winter games and too early for the summer game, so there is no hope of a March Olympics. And if there were an End of Winter Olympics, the games would be awful like Olympic Shoving or Olympic Shoveling.
March is a short, stubby word.
September, October, November, December, January, February...MARCH! When you read those months out loud, March sounds like the lyrical poem that just burped.
March is so awful that people had to makeup sayings to make it sound pleasant.
“March comes in like a lion, and out like a lamb!” Ho-ho! What fun! See folks? The month isn’t all bad. It ends well because the ol' saying says so! Maybe we should make more sayings to make us all feel better.
“March comes in like a rabid bear, and leaves whenever the hell it wants.”
“March ends at some point.”
“March comes in like a March, but leaves like an Almost-April.”
“March is better than mouth sores.”
“March: Eh...you’ll get used to it.”
March is loveless.
This is the month you realize your so-called Valentine was a jerk, it’s too early for an official spring crush, and summer love is an entire season away. Put on your ugly sweatpants and set your mood to “grouchy” because you have an entire month of feeling all alone and empty. To add insult to injury, the March of 2013 comes complete with five entire Saturdays for you to feel sorry for yourself as you hug your own knees and listen to Adele.
The movies of March are awful.
Jack the Giant Slayer? More like Jack the Giant...Dumb-Dumb! (Took all day to write that joke.) This month is when Hollywood releases all the crap that’s not good enough for the prime-time of summer. “Oh boy! Let’s go see Halle Berry in The Call!” said no one.
Everyone is still sick!
The cold and flu season is in full swing and everyone is still talking about it. You will spend much of the month listening to people say, “I think I’m getting sick.” You’ll get sick for the third time this year, and no one will care because everyone is sick. Cover you mouth.
March is long.
It feels like March has been here for weeks, but it’s only Day Four of the wretched beast. Even if you close your eyes and count to a trillion-billion, it will still be March. March is the Return of the King of months, but not in a good way.
If you like college basketball, this month is terrific. But if you don’t like college basketball, you’re still expected to have an informed opinion regarding the NCAA tournament. And if you say college basketball is trivial, you will get beat up by your older, albeit more popular, brother.
Ugh. How annoying are those Ides of March? The Ides of August are so much better and more fun. But now we're stuck with the March ones. Lousy, sticky March Ides...
Agh! It’s STILL March 4th!?!
Reading this article should have taken an entire day, but look at your watch and you will be unpleasantly surprised.
UPDATE: Why March is the Best Month
How are you coping with the month of yuck?