When NOT To Wear Google Glasses
Google is the king of search engines, maps, and now…eyewear? Google Glass is a new, high-tech pair of spectacles that cram the internet right in front of your eye at all times! No more countless hours spent looking down at your phone! The fancy glasses can also record photos and video of anything you’re looking at, from hot air balloons to butts! But before coughing up $1,500 for a pair of internet glasses, be aware of these situations when wearing Google Glass may be rude, inappropriate, and soon-to-be illegal.
When you're talking to a living human being, don't wear Google Glass. It's going to be obnoxious. Plus, everyone will know that you’re wearing $1,500 glasses and so prepare to be mugged all day, every day.
2. Where The Wifi Is Spotty
If the Wifi is spotty, the internet in the Google Glass is going to go in and out. You'll end up running back and forth and back and forth and back and forth in search of a good Wifi connection. Have you ever seen those people walking around with their cell phones in search of a good connection? Imagine doing that with your head. You will forever be single.
3. In The Future
Sure the glasses look cool and futuristic now, but there's going to be something even cooler/nerdier than Google Glass in the future. If you're still wearing Google Glass in 2038, you're going to look ridiculous, like a dad who still wears Crocs. By then, everyone will be wearing Google Teeth or Google Pilgrim’s Hat.
4. In The Past
If you decide to go back in time and visit Benjamin Franklin with your Google Glass (we suspect the glasses have time-travel capabilities), you may distract him so much that he won't care about unifying the colonies or inventing kites. The United States of America won't exist because you've gone and dangled new spectacles in front of Mr. Franklin. Hope you’re happy when you come back to the present and find Nebraska is now Russia IV.
5. At A Microsoft Pizza Party
When invited to Microsoft pizza parties, make sure to wear the acceptable attire: clothing not made by Google. If you're at a Microsoft pizza party and everyone is playing pin the tail on the Zune while you're listening to your iPod and wearing Google Glass, you're going to be so uncool. Conversely, if you wear Google Glass to a Yahoo party, everyone will worship you as a god and they will forget all about their prototype for Yahoo Raisins…which are just regular raisins. Poor, poor Yahoo.
6. While Staring Into The Sun
If you spend $1,500 on glasses, you should be able to wear them and stare directly at the sun, right? Wrong! It turns out that these glasses will not allow you to do that. Wait until the next version. Then, we will stare into the sun together and see what the hell that sun has been up to.
7. While Cleaning The Toilet Bowl
When cleaning a toilet bowl, your glasses will fall off no matter which search engine company created them. (The glasses, not the toilet. Although Google Toilet might be interesting. Hmm.) Dropping glasses in a toilet happens to everyone. If you don't want your Google Glasses in the toilet bowl, you should probably take them off before cleaning. But if you have enough cash to buy a pair, you should also have enough cash for a butler or robot to clean your toilet.
8. While Slow Dancing At The High School Dance
The design of these Google Glasses makes it perfect to get tangled in long hair. If you happen to be slow dancing with someone who has long hair, your Google Glass will try to tear threads of hair. Google Glass can be so jealous and bitchy.
9. Around People Who Still Don't Do The Email
If your friends or family members still don't do the email, don't wear Google Glass around them. They'll ask how they work and you'll have to explain the internet. They won't understand. You'll have a migraine. It's just not healthy, so don't do it. And if some nosey person asks about them, just look into their eyes while wearing the glasses and scream, “Fire! Fire! Fire!”
10. On A Roller Coaster
Glasses are great to wear on roller coasters because they shield your eyes from the thousands of bugs that would otherwise hit your face. Google Glasses will only cover five percent of your face so you'll still have hundreds of bugs hitting you.
Even with these issues, would you want a pair of Google Glass?