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These Fictional Characters Would Make the WORST Roommates

These Fictional Characters Would Make the WORST Roommates

By Melissa Albert

It's a truth universally acknowledged that most interesting fictional characters are completely undatable. But how would they hold up in a platonic living situation? Could you shack up with Ishmael? Would you sign a lease with Holden? We recommend you think twice before taking the plunge. To make our point, here are some of the least desirable fictional roommates:

Miss Havisham. Even if she offers to pay ALL the rent, you still shouldn't move in with Miss Havisham. Not only will she leave rotten wedding cake on the counter for literally years, she'll also never leave the house. Looking forward to some alone time? Just when you think you're the only one in the house, what you thought was a pile of dirty laundry sitting in the corner will suddenly stand up and totter toward you. Surprise! It was Havisham all along.

The Doctor. "Rent's due today, you say? I'll go grab my checkbook! Back in five!" Six months and one eviction notice later, he shows up all "Whoops, I'm late?" then proceeds to demolish your fish sticks.

Holly Golightly. If she doesn't kill you by falling asleep with a lit cigarette in her hand, she'll make you wish you were dead by bringing home weird arty types at all hours of day and night, to have long, lame parties where everyone dances around with lampshades on their heads before falling asleep under your kitchen table. She'll burn every meal she ever tries to make, then throw out the burnt food (including the dishes) and order lavish takeout that you'll end up paying for. In brief : never live with a manic pixie dream girl.

Katniss Everdeen. The entrails of freshly cleaned animals attract flies like you wouldn't believe—and you used to think it was annoying when people left cereal crumbs on the counter. Also, Katniss doesn't communicate very well. If you can get her to tell you which soy milk is hers, that's a talkative week.

Hagrid. "Are you sure you read the whole lease, Hagrid?" you'll say. "Including the part about no pets allowed?" Hagrid will nod violently, while attempting to hide a scaly something behind his back. Then his coat lights on fire, a giant egg falls out of his pocket, and your landlord kicks you out in response to the hippogriff rampaging through your kitchen.

Emma Woodhouse. Though she'll pay her half of the bills and even help clean the bathroom, Emma will never stop meddling in your love life. Planning a night of popcorn and the third season of Downton Abbey? Sorry, nope. Emma's invited over her snooty friend Jonathan, the one who wears girls' jeans and always says "moi." She thinks you'll be perfect together.

Which fictional character do you think would make the worst roomie? Who would you LOVE to live with? We're thinkin' Hermione Granger would be AWESOME.

Topics: Books, Life
Tags: annoying things, books we love, roommates, funny things, classic literature, annoying people, classics, fictional characters

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About the Author
Melissa Albert

Melissa Albert reads books, worries about other people’s dogs (they look thirsty), and eats horrible candy for fun and profit. When not wearing her extremely tasteful Sparkitor hat, she’s an editor for the Barnes & Noble Book Blog. You can find her on Twitter @mimi_albert, or in the hot pretzel section of your local cafeteria.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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