I have had a crush on you since the first grade. We are now in twelth. You have ignored me and never even looked twice in my direction, and yet I still worshipped you. You know, you're one of the reasons I came to love baseball. Sure I was an awkard kid. I was skinny, uncomfortable with my body (which is why I guess I earned the nickname Blue Hoodie Girl), and was kinda jumpy. Okay, really jumpy (which earned me the nickname Twitchy. Which you started.) And yet I still liked you and put myself through the torture of thinking that if I could only change, then you would love me. Boy was I wrong.
I moved schools in seventh grade, but we still lived two streets down from each other. And I thought I had also moved on from you. I mean, I became a cool cheerleader and a band geek at the same time, and I had more friends. Every chance I had, I was trying to impress you, and yet you still turned away.
In tenth grade, I moved to a differant neighborhood and realized that I still had feelings for you. Nothing had changed- I was still a really awkard girl, and still really jumpy, but there was one small differance: I was pretty.
You see, you knew me when I had braces and glasses, and now I had neither; I had cooler clothes, and was a LOT more fun to be around. Last year when we saw each other at Walmart, yes, I saw that double take you took when you saw me. Don't think that I didn't also see the look you gave me when you walked past or the look you gave me when you looked back. Because I did. And I felt like crap.
Now here I am, almost eighteen, in twelth grade, and still fighting these stupid feelings for you. And now they are starting to make me mad. For some reason, I let you turn me into something I never wanted to be, with out you even having to say anything. I made myself feel awful for reasons that still illude me. And yet all I ever was to you was just a grainy face in the background.
I don't know why I ever loved you, and will probably never know why. Just know that you are the only guy that made me feel that way, and I hate myself for that. So thank you for showing me what not to do whenever I fall head over heels of some guy.
Forever and Never,
Originally published on February 21, 2013.