Adults are afraid of teenagers which is why many refuse to communicate with the younger generation. When they do speak up, it’s only to ask the most vague question of them all: How’s school? Because that question is among the worst (right up there with “What’s wrong?” and “Are you awake yet?") we want to arm our loyal SparkNotes readers with answers sure to make family gatherings more interesting. The next time someone asks you, “How’s school?” pick any of the following responses:
100. Why?! What did you hear?!!! Tell me what you know!!!
99. My Social Studies teacher wears brown shoes and my locker number is 278. I hope that answers your question.
98. It’s hard to say in words what school is like. Imagine an ant climbing up the tail of a kite soaring in a breeze, and that ant is suffering from allergies and the kite is laughing in the voice of Morgan Freeman...and it’s at night. School is like that.
97. It’s pretty much Grease, but with more singing and hand dancing.
96. Ah-maze-ing!!!!! But I can’t tell you why because you’ll get angry and call the police.
95. I was told that if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. [hum angrily and without blinking]
94. It could turn out great; it all depends on the hoses.
92. Duller than a bag of yous.
91. You can read all about it in my memoir, Prison of Frowns: One Woman’s Journey. But you will not like what you read.
90. Room temperature.
89. Fragrant at times.
88. It’s totally cow! "Cow" is what us cool kids use as a slang for “Go away, old person. I can’t believe I took my earbuds out for this.”
87. Today we learned in Health that you can get pregnant even if you have sex in a hot tub. So I jotted that down because here I was spending my entire life thinking hot tubs were a foolproof means of birth control. [blank stare]
86. Shh! Can’t talk now. They’re listening...[point to nearby cat or spoon]
84. Haunted for now. But my friends, my electro-crystals, and I are working to change that.
83. School is all like, nyaaaaaa, and I’m all like, vrrrrrrrragh.
82. I'll explain later. Run![run away]
81. It’s about 7 hours.
80. It’s exactly like you heard about on daytime talk shows. Exactly. Be afraid.
79. Great! But our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is up to something. Not sure what yet, but we’ll figure it out by the end of the year.
78. My life is a blank paper and school is my box of crayons. It’s up to me to pick which colors to use, and I’m choosing, “Shut-The-Hell-Up Purple.”
76. It’s a tour de force of drama and laughs in the grand tradition of Oklahoma! and My Fair Lady!
75. Hashtag, "Rowdy!"
73. School is okay. Yesterday we learned that Germany is completely underground and mountains are a type of turtle.
71. Not bad. How’s asking inane questions?
69. It’s both funny and sad, like watching a dog get his head stuck in a cereal box.
68. Extremely, dangerously average.
66. Just listen to the music of Owl City. It can explain it better than I.
65. It’s like a birthday party that everyone attends ironically.
64. Closed. It’s summer you loon.
63. There’s always gonna be another mountain. I’m always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be an uphill battle. Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose. Ain’t about how fast I get there. Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side. It’s the climb.
62. If I answer in the positive, can I have a dog?
60. Things are great. I’m not rolling my eyes. My eyes are just super-loose right now because my brain and head are growing so fast thanks to education.
59. Wow. That’s an interesting question. No one has ever asked me that before. Let me think on this for a day and I’ll get back to you.
58. Orange at times. Other times? Less orange.
57. My gang leader says not to tell you anything, so it’s better for both of us if we end this conversation now.
56. It’s like a cloud made of hunger and milk, wrapped in a haircut.
55. It’s pretty awesome now that I finally have the nickname, “Sexer.”
54. You’re asking me that as if you don’t follow me on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.
53. Does this answer your question? [bust out crazy-awesome dance moves]
52. Here. [hand them this list]
51. Here. [hand them a DVD copy of Saved By the Bell]
50. It’s enlightening. Before school, my friends and I talk about education and how to better ourselves. During lunch, we often discuss politics and society. After school we read about math and applied chemistry. And before bed, I like to learn how to play a new instrument. Tonight is oboe night!
49. It’s like last year, but everyone is slightly taller and fuzzier.
48. Better than soggy hammocks, but not quite as great as erotic trees.
47. I’m rubber and you’re glue. [march away]
46. Colder than you’d think, but just as wide as you’d imagine.
45. OMG! So we were taking this test, right, and Trevor, who is just a friend I swearsies, was making me laugh by pretending to eat his fingers and then I laughed and so Mrs. Cameron was all like, “Shh,” but then Trevor was still eating his fingers and so I couldn’t stop giggling and then Jen, who I don’t hang out with but we’re still friends online, was trying to borrow Pete’s phone because her’s was out of battery and then Mrs. Cameron was like, “Eyes on your own paper,” and so Trevor slams his face into his test paper because he was putting his eyes on it and he was so funny and then last night we made out, but only as friends and I’m thinking of becoming a scientist or maybe a hotel manager so there are good schools for that and Tuesday is when Alice Nguyen and I have practice but coach was sick so we just watched Pretty Little Liars, which isn’t as good as it used to be but Alice really likes it so we watched it and made cookies but they got burnt. And yesterday I kinda hurt my ankle. I don’t even know how! And my math teacher is average. Oh, and I saw a hot air balloon five years ago. And I got a B in World Lit. which is not as good as I had hoped. Where are you going? I better follow you in case you get lost. Trevor’s car smells like tacos. It’s the best!!! Want to hear about the time Trevor walked like zombie? There we were in Life Skills...
44. It’s wonderful! I’m learning so much and with each passing day I’m becoming a better human being. Watch out world, ‘cause here I come! [go back to texting your friends in brutal silence]
43. School is okay. It’s the mind spiders that worry me.
39. This is about my tongue tattoo, isn’t it? ISN’T IT!??!
38. It’s not bad once you realize creativity is rewarded with mockery and all people are inherently evil. And we’re getting a salad bar in the cafeteria. So...yay!
37. Can we not do this...ever?
36. The teachers are terrific and talented beyond measure, but I’m not living up to my potential. It’s my own fault. Sad, really.
35. The school don’t like it when you steal the phones. Truth.
34. It’s filled with worms that only the unlucky can see.
33. Mmm...it’s delicious! Oh, wait. You said school? I thought you said pie sandwich.
32. Flat, except for the ramps.
30. Well, there are hallways, you see? And those hallways are lined with metal closets called lockers. There are doors, too, and these doors lead either to a classroom or a gym, or sometimes a library. Humans exist in this realm of doors and hallways, and they communicate with words. There is also electricity and floors.
29. Less fancy than a funeral, but just as awkward and with more crying.
28. Wanna see the penguin I drew in class when I should have been learning? He’s waving his flipper. Haha...[wave back at penguin] Hi!
27. Normal in a very weird and surprising way.
25. My German teacher is mean and I’m not learning anything, and thus my hopes of being a professional German have been dashed. Looks like it’s either lawyer or doctor for me now.
24. Gross, but in the best way possible.
23. Hold on. Who told you I was in school? That was classified! [talk into your watch or shirt collar] The plan is ruined! Abort Operation: Talon. ABORT! We have been compromised!
22. Rubbery, but worth it.
21. I had Saturday detention with this jock, a nerd, a weirdo, and this mean bully. But get this! The bully, it turned out, was actually a nice guy and so I gave him my earing and we kissed. I guess we’re more than just stereotypes, huh?
20. Someone flushed a sock down the toilet and now that bathroom is off limits. So, we good here? Because I’m going to walk away now and talk to people my own age.
19. It’s a zoo of learning!
18. School? More like drool! Hahahahahahahahaha....[go upstairs to your room but maintain the laughter for two minutes]
16. My favorite subject is recess!
15. Crunchy at first, but it’s getting chewier and chewier.
14. You're asking all the wrong questions, Nancy Drew.
13. Sore, but also negative-sore.
12. Hmm. I give up. How is it?
11. Daily. But we get weekends off.
10. As Tom Hanks once said, “Lt. Dan! Ice cream!!”
9. Everything will be better and my grades will improve once I learn how to make my Q’s.
7. Um...are you going to buy a yearbook ad or not? Because I don’t have all day.
6. We’re not allowed to answer because of the school board politics. They told us to just nod and smile. [nod, smile]
4. Great. And as a preemptive strike, let me go ahead and answer your next questions: My favorite color is blue. I don’t have a boyfriend. Yes, I’m still allergic to wheat. No, I’m not still playing basketball. And while I could explain the difference between American Idol and The Voice, I won't because some things you need to learn on the streets.
3. I asked you first!