The Dos and Don'ts of Texting Your Crush
Back in pioneer days, flirting with someone took time. You'd write the object of your affection a letter, strap it to a horse, and mail that horse to the Pony Express (it may have worked differently, but we don't have time to Google it right now). Then you had weeks to allow your feelings to blossom or fester, and by the time your Beloved's response finally reached you, you'd be overflowing with ideas and sentiments that you couldn't wait to share. Plus, the ever-present threat of death by yellow fever made everything seem so much more romantic.
Welp, it's now 2013, all the horses are robots, and your notes travel to space and back in, like, three milliseconds—so you'd better know what you're doing when you send that text to Handsome Christopher from Quidditch Club. Check out the dos and don'ts of texting your crush below, and remember, no matter how badly things go, at least you don't have yellow fever. Hopefully.
DON'T Use more than one "!" in a text. Unless you just won the lottery, in which case you shouldn't use any exclamation points because YOU JUST WON THE LOTTERY AND SHOULD BE BUSY BUYING A PANDA FAMILY AND A SLIDE.
DO Tack on a "haha" when you blurt out your undying love, because then you can always be like "jkjk" if it gets all awkward.
DON'T Text them "Harlem Shake" videos. It's done. Please... make... it... stop.
DO Send five texts in a row because that definitely won't seem desperate or clingy or needy at all. (NOTE: Just kidding. Definitely DON'T do that.)
DON'T Try to pawn off Taylor Swift's lyrics as your own poetry. We know you didn't think of "I can see the light in you," because we know all the words to Hey Stephen. Don't even try it.
DO Send them cat videos. In fact, send them all the cats. If your crush doesn't like cat videos, then it's time to find a new crush.
DON'T Send the last text of the night.
DO Know the difference between "your" and "you're." Same for "there," "their," and "they're."
DON'T Use too many emojis. If you have to ask, you're using too many emojis.
DO Wait a little before you respond. Once you hit send, it's all over. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.
DON'T Freak out when you don't get a response immediately. Maybe they're working out or showering or waiting a while because THEY have a crush on YOU and don't want to seem too excited.
DO Be yourself. You're probably hilarious and awesome and full of obscure pop culture references that your crush will find incredibly endearing. Send that Expecto Patronum joke, you crazy lovebird!
Do you spend hours editing every single text you send to your crush? Do you have panic blackouts when he doesn't write back in 4 seconds? We totally don't do either one of those things, ever. Nope.