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10 Things That Shouldn't Exist

10 Things That Shouldn't Exist

By Melissa Albert

1. Cake pops. These single bites of dried-out cake impaled on a stick combine only the worst aspects of bakery cake and lollipops.

2. Self-flushing toilets. Is it such a terrible burden to have to flush your own toilet? Is freedom from manual flushing worth having your butt splashed with public toilet water from premature flushes? No and no.

3. Whipped cream. Why aren't you ice cream? Get off of my pie.

4. Pre-ruined pants. It's widely known that people pay good money for machine-ripped jeans. But it's come to our attention that there's a (small?) market for pants that have already been stained. On an unrelated note, we have some haute couture khakis we're looking to sell. The Key lime pie stains on the crotch will make you very popular at your next party.

5. The bacon flavoring industry. Bacon lip gloss? Bacon toothpaste? Isn't that kind of like washing your hands with bacteria?

6. Reality shows that end in marriage/engagement. Nothing says "let's grow old together" like an awkward twenty-minute date on the beach, chaperoned by two guys holding boom mics.

7. This onesie. And anything else that implies that babies are sexy, greedy, or into beer.

8. Vending machines that sell cheeseburgers.

9. Roller derby as a spectator sport. No number of sexy costumes and cool names can distract from the fact that you're watching people Rollerblade in circles.

10. Low-fat peanut butter. What is peanut butter? Nuts. What are nuts? Delicious fat. Now consider the diabolical voodoo that goes into making peanut butter a non-fatty food.

We think Melissa's just never had the right cake pop—those babies are DELISH. Do you agree with everything on this list? What do you wish didn't exist?

Topics: Life
Tags: annoying things, reality shows, pet peeves, funny things, funny lists, cake pops

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About the Author
Melissa Albert

Melissa Albert reads books, worries about other people’s dogs (they look thirsty), and eats horrible candy for fun and profit. When not wearing her extremely tasteful Sparkitor hat, she’s an editor for the Barnes & Noble Book Blog. You can find her on Twitter @mimi_albert, or in the hot pretzel section of your local cafeteria.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.