Last week I stumbled upon a rerun of Taylor Swift hosting SNL and realized that, hold the phone, Taylor Swift is kind of hilarious. You already conquered our ears, Swifty, but now it's time for you to capture our hearts with a successful movie career. T-Swizzle—may I call you T-Swizzle?—I'm assuming you read SparkLife, so here are a few movies we wish you'd make. Get on it.
1. The Karaoke Hustle
Plot: In order to save her father from an unruly mob of gangsters, a plucky, streetwise con-artist (Taylor Swift) reluctantly joins forces with a disgraced former boxer (The Rock) to enter the dangerously unpredictable world of karaoke hustling.
Tagline: “She's a Little Bit Country; He's a Little Bit ROCK and Roll.”
INT. BACKSTAGE KARAOKE CLUB - NIGHT
The Rock: You’re going to have to trust me.
Taylor Swift: (somewhat southern accent) The only man I trust is my daddy, Mr. Brooks.
The Rock: Call me Dale, and your daddy’s the one who got us into this mess in the first place.
Taylor dramatically slaps The Rock.
The Rock: I hope you karaoke better than you hit.
Taylor leans in and shares a passionate kiss with The Rock.
Taylor: I hope you karaoke better than you kiss, Dale.
Aerosmith’s I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing begins to play as Taylor steps on stage. The Rock smirks as if to say, “Oh boy, what did I get myself into!?”
Future Negative Internet Review: “This movie had me singing the BOOS.”
2. Swift Justice
Plot: Huckleberry, Indiana is just your typical small town until their local sheriff retires and is replaced by… his lovelorn 23-year-old daughter?! Now there’s a new sheriff in town, and she’s about to make every guy who's ever rejected her pay… IN JAIL.
Tagline: "This summer she’s the judge, jury, and exe-CUTE-ioner!"
Reasons to Watch:
1. The soon to be classic movie montage of Taylor Swift riding around town and arresting all of her ex-boyfriends while You Give Love a Bad Name plays.
2. The inevitable scene where an ex-boyfriend (Justin Bieber) exclaims, "But what about my one phone call?" and Taylor quips, "Oh so NOW you want to call me."
Future Negative Internet Review: "I wish somebody would elect this movie the sheriff of Garbagetown."
Tagline: "It's the most wonderful crime of the year!"
Plot: Beautiful NY Times travel correspondent Sandra Claus (Taylor Swift) believes she's finally met the perfect man (Matt Damon). He’s handsome, funny, and great with children, but there's one problem: HE'S SANTA CLAUS! There's only one way for Sandra to repay Santa for his dishonestly: STEAL CHRISTMAS.
EXT. ROOF - CHRISTMAS EVE
Taylor: You lied to me! I loved you, Santa Claus. If that's even you're real name.
Santa: My real name is Kris. Kris Kringle. And I didn't lie to you; I just didn't know how to tell you who I really am. After my wife left me for that door-to-door hot chocolate salesman, I lost myself— but you saved me, Sandra. You saved Christmas.
Taylor: Do you really mean that?
Santa: Yes. All this time how could you not know, baby; you belong with me.
Taylor: Hey, that's my line.
Santa and Taylor laugh and share a kiss.
Annoyed Neighbor: Get the heck off my roof!
Future Negative Internet Review: "Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell... Walk... out of the theater."
4. Kat Prom
Plot: After being dis-invited to prom by handsome quarterback Chip Catpurrnick (Zac Efron), Kat Watson (Taylor Swift) decides to seek revenge by hosting a prom of her own… a CAT prom.
Tagline: "It’s going to be the most memorable night of their nine lives!"
Future Negative Internet Review: Meow? More like, "Me-FrOWn"
5. Crime of Fashion
Plot: After a wealthy fashion designer (Taylor Swift) is scammed out of her fortune, she has no choice but to team-up with a grizzled NYC cop (Ryan Gosling) to go undercover and help solve a string of fashion-related crime.
Tagline: "From Prada to Nada"
Reason to Watch: Nobody needs a reason to watch a Taylor Swift/Ryan Gosling "Buddy Cop" movie, but I'm excited for Swift's future CD about having an unrequited crush on a co-star. Sample lyric: "You were my dream; I was your nightmare, so that's why I'm la-la, la-la-la-la-la, always... "Cryin' over Ryan."
Future Negative Internet Review: NYPD Booooo!
Which Taylor Swift movie do you want to see? Have an idea for your own Taylor Swift movie? Share it with us in the comments section!