15 Things To Do With Your Oscar
So you're an Oscar winner. (If you actually are, I hope you found your way here by Googling "what to do with my Oscar now that I've won," because that would be amazing.) Anyhow, I first want to offer my congratulations! You triumphed. You worked your butt off and now you're reaping the rewards. You've got the little golden statuette, and those four other people can suck it. But the question remains: now what? What do you even do with it? Well, you can either be boring and stick it on a mantle or in your basement somewhere, or you can be fun (and somewhat daring) and do something hilarious and stupid with it. (And as a 20-year-old introvert with no marketable acting skills, who has never won anything ever, I can't see why you'd want ask anyone else's opinion.)
1. Tape it to the hood of your car, à la Tom Hanks and his Emmy.
2. Put it up on your fridge. If, over the course of your childhood, you used to put up A plusses and finger painting conglomerations, you can surely stand to duct tape the most coveted award in the film industry to your refrigerator door. Besides, an Oscar is the ultimate "I'm better than you" and needs to serve as a reminder of your superiority for the rest of the household. It might jut out conspicuously, but that's the best part. You can't not see it.
3. Make it a necklace and wear it to parties.
4. Make it into a festive hat and wear it while you're walking down the street.
5. Use it as your go-to weapon of choice whenever you hear weird noises in the basement. Imagine being a burglar and having an Oscar hurled at you out of the darkness amidst some high-pitched crazy-person screaming. You'd bolt from the scene. You know you would. (They might take the Oscar with them. That's a risk you have to be willing to take. Or it might impale them. You're risking that too. I don't know how sharp an Oscar is. Do I look like someone who's ever been within fifty feet of an Oscar?)
6. If you're Daniel Day-Lewis and you've already won like a gazillion of them, you might just want to start handing them out as party favors.
7. Act like it's a sentient being. Bring it out to restaurants and order for it. Take it to a movie. Buy it a ticket. See how long you can do this before people stop inviting you places and start actively expressing concern. You'll know you've reached that point because they'll look at you pityingly and say, "So how are you these days? You and... Oscar?"
8. Put it on top of your Christmas tree in place of an angel. This isn't going to go smoothly. Use lots of duct tape. Be aggressive about it.
9. Dress it up like a doll. It's been hard since Polly Pockets were recalled. I know. We feel you.
10. Move it around so that whenever people come over, it's always in a different place. Deny that you're moving it. My dad does this with a life-sized cardboard cutout of NASCAR driver Kyle Busch. It's gone from mildly hilarious to sinister.
11. Put it in your fish tank, if you've got a really large fish tank. Forget gravel and pirate ships. Your fish will be swimming in luxury.
12. Use it as a garden gnome. I just really want to see this happen.
13. Put it in your front window so the whole neighborhood knows who their overlord is.
14. Once you've assembled a large quantity of them, pretend you're leading an army.
15. Find another Oscar winner and have a sword fight. The winner gets to keep both of them. This could be the first crucial step to living in a world in which Meryl Street has monopolized all the Oscars in Hollywood, because don't tell me Meryl Streep wouldn't kick serious ass.
What would you do with an Oscar? What do you think the amazing Jennifer Lawrence is going to do with hers?