Oddly Named (And Annoying) Types of Parents
Whenever a new trend in parenting comes along, the experts and media love to attach cool, adventurous names to it. From Helicopter Parenting to Tiger Moms, why are parents getting all the cool titles? We look at these real types of parents, and then create some of our own…with AMAZING NAMES!
Helicopter Parents: These parents hover over their kids, constantly getting involved in their personal and academic affairs. In their perfect world, the umbilical cord would stretch all the way from their bedside table to your college dorm room. Sadly, they’ll probably be shocked to learn that not only is mom’s phone call attempt to negotiate your Comparative Lit grade embarrassing, but such insistent meddling can actually lead to depression. And perhaps the…oh crap! She’s right behind you!!! Run!!!
Tiger Mom: When you think of a tiger, you may imagine a wild, regal beast roaming across the Savanna. Thanks to Chinese-American Harvard professor Amy Chua’s memoir, when you hear the term “tiger mom” you think of a strict, cruel disciplinarian that won’t let their child have any dinner or bathroom breaks until they learn to play “The Little White Donkey” on the piano, which is much more terrifying than any real jungle cat.
Now here are some parent types we just labeled…
Dinosaur Dad: Despite how frustrated you may get with your old man, it’s not his fault that he’s so…old. The Dino Dad is a term we can use for fathers who were alive when milk cost a nickel and the radio was the internet. It’s not easy dealing with the geezer. Not only will you be asked to spend hours and hours setting up an eight-minute Skype session with him, but you will also need to be an expert on the subjects of remote controls, music with lyrics, and “Why can’t I send that email forward to your new boyfriend? It’s not offensive if it’s funny!!!”
Werewolf Parents: One second they’re telling you that it’s totally fine if you come after midnight, the next they’re calling you at 10pm and demanding to know why you’re not home yet. These parents never allow you to feel entirely comfortable because you don't know where you stand. They can transform faster than you can say, “But you said….” They are a scary, ever-changing people. The only upside to Werewolf Parents is the name, which could be the title for a great movie, band, or series of scary dolls.
Wonder Mom: Who doesn’t want a hip, trendy mom? But be careful what you wish for. The Wonder Mom is a modern variation on the “cool mom” but much less fun in that she’s hip to trends like gluten free diets and banning the celebration of commercialized holidays, instead of ombre hair trends and Instagram.
Dog Dad: He hits on your friends’ moms at PTA meetings, makes obnoxious comments about teen celebrities, and mocks your physics teacher’s Austrian accent. He’s harmless…but embarrassing, like when you’re walking a pet dog and he decides he must stop to lick himself right outside of your crush’s house.
Vampire Mom: She sucks all the fun out of everything by tagging along.
Cyborg Dad: If your dad wears something electronic on his belt or in his ear, he is a cyborg dad.
Moon Parents: These seemingly normal parents are loving, supportive, and friendly. They just don’t know ANYTHING about pop culture, as if they’ve been living on the moon. If you make a joke about Justin Bieber, they will assume he’s a kid in your class. If you talk about Pinterest, they think you’re investing in some sort of sewing bank. And they think Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are sisters.
Volcano Parents: For years they remain silent and let you do your own thing. And then one day you notice smoke rising and a hint of sulfur in the air. And then…KA-WHOOOSH! The volcano erupts in a weekend-long war of words and door slams! This is different from the Werewolf Parents, because Volcano Parents only erupt once in a lifetime, instead of a daily basis.
Mary Poppins Mom: She's perfect in every way! She's delightful and helpful! She has an answer for everything! Nothing gets her upset! The only downside is that she's probably living a double-life as a spy or serial killer. Try not to think about that and enjoy the ride.
Zombie Dad: He communicates via hand gestures and grunts. (May also try to eat your brain.)
What fun name would you give your parents?