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Live Blogging the 2013 Oscars!

Live Blogging the 2013 Oscars!

Veronica Summers / Splash News

Live from New York, it's the SparkLife live blog of the 2013 Oscars! With a surprisingly magnificent SNL hosting performance under his belt, I expect Seth MacFarlane to be a little more Tina Fey/Amy Poehler and a little less LL Snooze J. Let's Oscar!

8:30: Robert Downey Jr. opens the show as a real Oscar the Grouch by refusing to clap for Seth MacFarlane. Iron Man 2? More like Iron Man Boo!

8:37: William Shatner (as Captain Kirk) interrupts Seth's monologue from the future to inform him that he single handily ruined the Oscars with his "We Saw Your Boobs" song and sock puppet reenactment of Flight. Yep. That seriously happened. I don't think you need the ability to travel to time to understand those bits didn't work.

8:40: You know what fits seamlessly into a comedy bit? A two minute ballroom dancing break! Superb dancing , but puzzling decision. Are Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron co-staring in a Dirty Dancing remake?

8:41: @Vulture Congratulations to all the guys who get to put "boobs song backup dancer" on their resumes tomorrow. #oscars

8:42: Joseph Gordon Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe singing? Ladies, start your MEN-gines.

8:46: Seth performing Be Our Guest from Beauty and the Beast WITHOUT utilizing ONE single singing teacup? I might shut this off right now.

8:50: Christoph Waltz wins the Oscar for "Best Supporting Actor" and bows to the rest of the nominees. Loved it. Classy dude.

8:58: Paperman wins the Oscar for "Best Animated Short," depriving the world of the very first acceptance speech by an animated baby, Maggie Simpson. Brave wins for "Best Animated Film."

9:04: Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon? I didn't know that. I always assumed she was nominated for Legally Blond 2: Red, White & Blond, but I didn't know she won. Belated congratulations, Reese!

9:08: I wish everyone was as happy to be at the Oscars as Jennifer Lawrence. She's LOVING it.

9:08: "This just in: billion dollar franchise launch trumps best picture nomination. Let's take a little box office bow. Thank you very much."Robert Downey Jr. on his apparent sour grapes over The Avengers not being nominated for Best Picture.

THIS just in: Robert Downey Jr. seems like kind of a jerk.Everyone watching the Oscars.

9:10: Nice to see Samuel L. Jackson taking a break from his day job of operating the hotdog machine at a 1972 movie theater to attend the Oscars.

9:19: Congratulations to Channing Tatum for becoming the first person to successfully present an Oscar while sleeping!

9:32: Jamie Foxx, fresh from uncomfortably hitting on Kelly Rowland in front of his daughter on live television, presents the "Best Live Action Short Film" Oscar to Shawn Christensen for Curfew.

9:43: Seth MacFarlane makes a topical John Wilkes Booth joke as the audience groans with indifference. John Wilkes Woof.

9:44: Seth MacFarlane: "I thought we cut this joke, but you really want to do it? First time I saw Ben Affleck with all that dark facial hair I thought, 'My God, the Kardashians finally made the jump to film.'"

9:45: Ben Affleck jabs back at Seth MacFarlane saying, "Thank you, Seth, I actually thought the show was going pretty well, but maybe you can turn it around." Yikes. Stick to drama, Ben.

9:47: @Joelmchale: Ben Affleck's tux is by Armani, his shoes are by Gucci, and his beard is by See I'm A Director Now.

9:52: Seth MacFarlane: "It's Sunday, and everyone is dressed up. This is like Church, but only with more people praying." That's a real joke that people laughed at. We're all in agreement that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler need to host next year, right?

9:53: Amour wins the Oscar for "Best Foreign Language Film."

9:55: A wax figurine of John Travolta walks out and just starts reading names for a couple of minutes which eventually leads to a salute to movie musicals! What do you think, Johnny T? Wanna give everybody a little bit of Grease Lightning for old times sake? No? Okay. We instead receive performances from Catherine Zeta Jones (Chicago), Jennifer Hudson (Dreamgirls), and essentially everyone involved in Les Misérables.

10:10: Mark Wahlberg and Ted (yes, the fictional bear from the movie Ted) present the next award. Les Misérables wins the Oscar for "Best Sound Mixing" as well as the Oscar for "Best Description of How I Feel Right Now."

10:16: Mark Wahlberg, looking as though he's trying to repress the urge to punch a hole through planet Earth, announces there's a tie for the "Best Sound Editing" Oscar. The crowd gasps as Wahlberg glares at them as if to say, "I will fight every single one of you" and grumbles, "No BS; we have a tie." Zero Dark Thirty and Skyfall win.

10:21: In case anyone was curious, Seth MacFarlane wants everyone to know that he is indeed too cool for this school.

10:23: No surprise here as Anne Hathaway wins "Best Supporting Actress" and decides, for funnsies, to say every conceivable name in the English language during her acceptance speech.

10:27: @katienotopoulos: Anne Hathaway could've done her acceptance speech in the Stewie voice and you monsters still wouldn't be satisfied.

10:32: Argo wins the Oscar for "Best Editing."

10:36: Everybody on Twitter takes a four minute break from making snarky jokes to watch Adele sings Skyfall.

10:47: Kristen Stewart, presumably being forced to present this award against her will, announces that Lincoln wins for "Best Production Design."

10:52: @Vulture: Before you make fun of KStew, she had crutches on the red carpet. #oscars

Nope. She was making the same face I make when I have to go to the dentist or eat a lima bean.

10:57: George "Anti Seth MacFarlane" Clooney introduces this years "In Memoriam" tribute video followed by Barbara Streisand singing Memories. Can't say I've enjoyed the Seth MacFarlane experience thus far. His humor consisted of a lot of cheap, sexist, easy jokes that just weren't funny.

11:06: Call me old fashioned, but I'm appalled by the new ABC series Splash.

11:07: Whoops. ABC's Splash is a celebrity diving competition and NOT a hidden camera show about celebrity bubble baths like I previously thought. My mistake.

11:12: Life of Pi wins "Best Score." Life of Pi wins "Best Score." Huh. I thought Pi never repeated itself. Josh: 1 Math: 0.

11:16: Adele wins for Skyfall!

11:22: Dustin Hoffman tells Charlize Theron she's a great dancer and she reacts as though nobody has ever complimented anyone in the history of the world. Also, Argo wins "Best Adapted Screenplay" and Quentin Tarantino wins "Best Original Screenplay" for Django Unchained.

11:33: Ang Lee wins the "Best Director" Oscar for Life of Pi.

11:38: Update: This show is STILL going on. In future news I've been fired for oversleeping and not showing up to work tomorrow.

11:43: Jennifer Lawrence wins "Best Actress" and gets a standing ovation! She trips and falls while receiving her award, which just makes her even more adorable. She seems so genuinely happy, and the cast of Silver Linings Playbook looks elated that she won. Smiles all around.

11:48: Daniel Day Lewis wins for Lincoln and not only does he receive a standing ovation, but he gives us the best joke of the night: "It's a strange thing because three years ago, before we decided to do a straight swap, I was actually committed to play Margaret Thatcher (nods toward Meryl Streep) and Meryl was Steven's first choice for Lincoln, and I'd like to see that version."

11:53: I think Jack Nicholson and... (record scratch) Michelle Obama presented the Oscar for "Best Picture," but I probably imagined that since I can't remember a time when I wasn't live blogging the Oscars. Argo wins and... wow. Ben Affleck gives one of the most amazing acceptance speeches that I've ever seen. Inspiring, emotive, affecting, it was such a delightful way to end the night. Congratulations, Ben Affleck. Congratulations, world. Congratulations on being quoted in an Oscar acceptance speech, 1990's British one hit wonder punk band, Chumbawamba.

Oscar Favorites: Jennifer Lawrence, Ben Affleck, Adele, Mark Wahlberg's hidden anger

Oscar Detested: Seth MacFarlane, Robert Downey Jr.

What was your favorite part of the Oscars? Scale of 1-10 how do you think Seth MacFarlane did as host? Did you stay up to watch the entire show?

Topics: Celebs & Stuff
Tags: celebrities, live blogging, jennifer lawrence, anne hathaway, awards shows, oscars, academy awards, celebs we love, 2013 oscars

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About the Author
Josh Sorokach

Josh Sorokach is a comedy writer living in New York City. He's a former American Idol winner, three time Olympian, and habitual liar. Follow him on twitter @Joshsorokach.

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